[Bridge] On Bridge: KIRK, SPOCK, SULU, CHEKOV

NARRATOR: On the bridge of the Enterprise, our intrepid crew is pursuing a small space cruiser.

SPOCK: That is definitely the stolen space cruiser, Captain, the Aurora. I read six passengers aboard.

CHEKOV: Captain - if it continues on this course, it will enter Romulan space!

KIRK: Mister Sulu - engage tractor beam.

SULU: Tractor beam engaged.

KIRK: Bring them in.

SULU: They have not cut power, sir. They're trying to escape! Oh, myyyy.

SPOCK: Their engines are seriously overheating, Captain. Their struggle has destabilized our warp trajectory!

(Bridge crew leans LEFT, then RIGHT, then LEFT)

KIRK: Aurora, this is Captain Kirk commanding the Enterprise. Cut power! You are overtaxing your ship.

SPOCK: Power approaching critical. They cannot continue.

KIRK: Bridge to Transporter room. Scotty, are you ready to transport?

SCOTT: Aye, Captain. I'm at the console, ready to transport the lot of them!

SPOCK: Power beyond critical. Explosion is imminent.

KIRK: Aurora personnel, stand by to be transported aboard. Scotty - energize!

NARRATOR: A huge flash of light as the damaged and pursued space cruiser explodes in a million fiery pieces of smoking shrapnel!

(Sound of transporter - space cruiser explodes)

KIRK: Well, looks like like they're all dead, too bad. Sulu, plot a course for Starbase six -

[In Transporter Room: SCOTTY, SEVRIN, ADAM, IRINA, MAVIG, GIRL#2, GIRL #2, TONGO RAD]

SCOTT: (interrupting) Captain! Captain! I've got them! I've got them all!

KIRK: What! Oh that's great!

SCOTT: They are, and a nice lot too.

NARRATOR: Standing in formation on the transporter platform, we see, not a uniformed crew, but Dr. Sevrin and gaggle of groovy, groovy hippies.

(STAR TREK OPENING SEQUENCE)

KIRK: Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five year mission, give or take a few decades: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no one has gone before!

(STAR TREK TITLE MUSIC)

KIRK: Captain's log, stardate 5832.3. The child of the Catullan ambassador is one of six wild, unpredictable, flamboyantly dressed humanoids we have beamed aboard from the stolen cruiser Aurora. We have been ordered to handle them all with extreme delicacy, because the treaty negotiations now in progress between the Federation and Catulla are in a crucial phase. There is no way of knowing what these undisciplined youths will do on our ship, or what effect they'll have on my crew.


SONG / VIDEO - Martin


NARRATOR: Our captain, seated in his iconic captain's chair, hails engineer Montgomery Scott in the transporter room.

KIRK: Scotty, take them to the briefing room.

IRINA: We are not in the mood, Herbert.

KIRK: "Herbert?"

CHEKOV: Wait, who said that? Is that my old girlfriend Irina?

RAD: Tell Herbert it's no go.

ALL: NO GO NO GO!

KIRK: What's going on?

SCOTT: I don't know. They're just saying "No go". Shall I send for security?

KIRK: No, I'll be right down. Mister Spock!

ALL: NO GO NO GO!

NARRATOR: The Captain and Mr. Spock enter the transporter room, where Dr. Severin and the space hippies are causing a commotion.

[KIRK and SPOCK ENTER]

ALL: NO GO NO GO!

KIRK: All right, all right, be quiet! Hey! SHUT UP! Which one of you is Tongo Rad?

RAD: That's me, Herbert.

KIRK: Well you can thank your father's influence for the fact you're not under arrest. In addition to piracy, you've violated flight regulations, entered hostile space and endangered many lives!

RAD: I'm bleeding.

KIRK: Good! In addition you've caused an interstellar incident which may have destroyed everything that's been negotiated between your planet and the Federation.

RAD: You've got a hard lip, Herbert.

KIRK: I...don't know what that means. Mister Spock, take them to Sickbay for a medical check. There may have been radiation from the explosion.

SPOCK: Captain, with your permission...

KIRK: Well I don't know what you're going to do, but sure, by all means.

(Spock steps forward and makes a triangular sign with his hands)

SPOCK: One.

SEVRIN: We are One.

SPOCK: One is the beginning.

ADAM: Are you One, Herbert?

SPOCK: I am not Herbert.

ADAM: He is not Herbert. We reach.

KIRK: ...What?

SPOCK: If you will state your purpose and your objectives, perhaps we can arrive at a mutual understanding.

SEVRIN: We turn our backs on confusion and seek the beginning.

SPOCK: What is your destination?

SEVRIN: The planet Eden.

KIRK: Eden? That planet is a myth.


[START MUSIC: "OUTSIDE THE BOX"]


SEVRIN: We seek the primitive - free from manufactured worlds and artificial systems. We seek to be ONE, and breathe freely in the place of the beginning.

KIRK: You seek the primitive - traveling between star systems in a stolen spaceship?


SONG: "OUTSIDE THE BOX"


SEVRIN: And we protest against being harassed, pursued, attacked, seized and transported here against our wishes. We recognise no authority save that within ourselves.

KIRK: Well, whether you recognise authority or not, I am it on this ship. I am under orders to transport you all back to the Starbase peaceably. From there you'll be ferried to your various planets. Because of my orders, you are not prisoners, but my guests. I expect you to behave as such.

ADAM: Oh, Herbert, you are stiff!

KIRK: Spock, Spock-you seem to understand these people. Maybe you should deal with them.

SEVRIN: We respectfully request that you take us to Eden.

KIRK: And after they are finished in Sickbay, see to it that they're escorted back to their proper quarters and given whatever care they need.

SPOCK: Yes, Captain.

SEVRIN: We respectfully request that you take us to Eden.

KIRK: I have orders to the contrary. This is not a passenger ship.

ALL: Herbert, Herbert, Herbert. Herbert, Herbert, Herbert....

KIRK: Get these people out of here!

NARRATOR: Later, on the bridge, our slightly irked Captain Kirk informs Starbase command of the diplomatic incident.

[KIRK, CHEKOV, SULU on the bridge]

KIRK: Sulu, notify Starbase we have the six aboard who stole the space cruiser Aurora. Regrettably, the space cruiser itself was destroyed.

SULU: Aye, sir.

KIRK: Sure, sure. Oh, a personal note to the Catullan ambassador. His child is safe.

CHEKOV: Captain.

KIRK: Yes, what is it?

CHEKOV: Sir, I believe I know one of them. At least, I think I recognise her voice. Her name is Irina Galliulin. We were in Starfleet Academy together. We bonded over our accents.

KIRK: One of those was in the Academy?

CHEKOV: Yes, sir. She dropped out. She...tuned in. She...turned on. She...

KIRK: Yeah, I get it. Do you wish to see her? I mean, this is highly unusual-normally I'm the one who gets some drama with the ladies...but fine-permission to leave your post.

CHEKOV: Thank you, sir.

NARRATOR: Our humble navigator Chekov exits the bridge, in trepidation of the imminent reunion with a love long past, not forgotten. Our valiant Science officer Mister Spock now enters, having escorted Dr. Sevrin and the vexatious space hippies.

[CHEKOV EXITS, SPOCK ENTERS]

KIRK: Are they in the Sickbay?

SPOCK: Yes, Captain.

KIRK: Mister Spock, do they really believe that Eden exists?

SPOCK: Many myths are based on truth, Captain, and they are not unintelligent. Their leader, Doctor Sevrin, is a man -

KIRK: Doctor Sevrin is their leader?

SPOCK: Yes. A brilliant research engineer in the fields of acoustics, communications and electronics on planet Tiburon. He was dismissed from his post when he started this movement. Tongo Rad demonstrates extraordinary abilities in the field of space studies.

KIRK: But they've rejected all that technology provides. They seek the primitive, ignorant of all the wonderous technology and abundance we have here in the future.

SULU: Yeah, the Future!

(60's dance music starts, everyone starts 60's dancing)

KIRK: Okay, stop, stop!

(Music stops)

KIRK: Spock, Spock! Why would they reject our world?

SPOCK: There are many who are uncomfortable with what we have created. It is almost a biological rebellion. A profound revulsion against the planned communities, the programming, the sterilised, artfully balanced atmospheres.

KIRK: But those things are all awesome!

SPOCK: They hunger for an Eden, where spring comes.

KIRK: But we don't steal space cruisers and act like irresponsible children. What makes you so sympathetic toward these...bohemian hippies?

SPOCK: It is not sympathy so much as curiosity, Captain. A wish to understand. They regard themselves as aliens in their own worlds, a condition with which I am somewhat familiar.




[SONG: Mark H.]


SPOCK: You see, Captain? They feel isolated; cast out of the restrictive social order. Aliens in their own worlds. I sympathize with their plight.


[MUSIC INTRO STARTS: "EVERYONE"]


KIRK: Aliens in their own world? No, they're naive. Every individual in this galaxy belongs to the great family of intelligent beings, whether human or...miscellaneous! Every living creature has so many opportunities for happiness and success in these wonderful worlds, especially Earth! (Grabs a martini)

SPOCK: Well, I believe there are many counterexamples to your reasoning..."

KIRK: No, no! Spock! Spock! Listen man, These hippie cats are all wrong, my friend..Our life here is amazing! Why...


[SONG: "EVERYONE"]


KIRK: Spock. One more thing: What does Herbert mean?

SPOCK: It is somewhat uncomplimentary, Captain. Herbert was a minor official notorious for his rigid and limited patterns of thought.

KIRK: Herbert Hoover, right? It's Hoover.

SPOCK: Yes, it's probably Hoover.

KIRK: And so these hippies...

SPOCK: Are being total dicks to you, yes.

NARRATOR: We join the space hippies in the sickbay.

[SICKBAY: ADAM, MAVIG, GIRL#2, GIRL#2, GIRL#2, RAD]


[SONG: HIPPIES SING IN SICK BAY]


NARRATOR: Our humble navigator Pavel Chekov enters the sickbay.

[CHEKOV ENTERS THE SICKBAY]

CHEKOV : Excuse me. Is Irina Galliulin with you?

ADAM: She's getting her physical in the next room. Gonna crack my knuckles and jump for joy. I got a clean bill of health from Doctor McCoy. You know Irina?

RAD: Say, tell me, why do you wear all those clothes? How do you breathe?

NARRATOR: The gruff but compassionate Dr. McCoy enters the main room with the lovely Irina.

[MCCOY AND IRINA ENTER]

MCCOY: All right, Sevrin, you're next.

NARRATOR: Dr. McCoy and Dr. Sevrin leave to the adjacent room, leaving Chekov and Irina together, for the first time in many years.

[MCCOY & SEVRIN LEAVE]

CHEKOV: Irina.

IRINA: Pavel Andreievich. I had thought we might encounter each other.

CHEKOV: You knew I was on the Enterprise?

IRINA: I had heard.

CHEKOV: I'll never forget that beautiful accent. From the beautiful country of...

IRINA: ...I'm not sure.

CHEKOV: Right. Irina, how could you do this to yourself? You were a scientist. And now, look at you. I mean, fabulous outfit, but look at you.

IRINA: Look at yourself, Pavel.

CHEKOV: I am proud of what I am. I believe in what I do. Can you say that?

IRINA: Yes. Pavel, when I first knew it was your ship that followed us, I thought of you and wondered what I would find. In spite of that uniform, I still see the same Pavel I used to know. Are you happy in what you do?

CHEKOV: Yes.

IRINA: Then I accept what you do.

CHEKOV: You even talk like them. I mean, not the accent, which I still can't place, but everything else. Why did you go away?

IRINA: It was you who went.

CHEKOV: I looked for you. You never felt as I did. Never.

IRINA: I did.

CHEKOV: You don't have it in you to feel so much. Even when we were close, you weren't with me. You were off thinking of something else. Why did you stay away?

IRINA: Because you disapproved of me, Just as you do now. Oh, Pavel, you have always been like this. So correct. And inside, the struggle not to be so correct. Give in to yourself. You will be happier. You'll see.

NARRATOR: Later, Captain Kirk and Engineer Scott arrive in the Sickbay amidst another commotion.

[KIRK & SCOTTY ENTER SICKBAY]

HIPPIES: Free Doctor Sevrin! Herbert! Herbert! Herbert! Herbert!

KIRK: What's going on, Bones?

MCCOY: Trouble. Your friend here didn't want a checkup. Turns out there's a reason.

SEVRIN: I refuse to accept your findings.

MCCOY: You don't have the choice.

SEVRIN: They're the product of prejudice, not science.

MCCOY: I don't know what this man was planning on doing on a primitive planet, but assuming one did exist, I can tell you what would have happened had he settled there.

SEVRIN: Untrue!

MCCOY: There wouldn't have been enough primitives left to bury their dead.

SEVRIN: Fake news! Fake news!

MCCOY: I wish it were. There's a nasty little bug that evolved in the last few years, Jim. Our aseptic, sterilized civilisations produced it. Synthococcus novae. It's deadly. We can immunize against it, but haven't learned to lick all the problems yet.

KIRK: Does he have it? What about the others?

MCCOY: All the others are clear. He doesn't have it. He's a carrier. Remember your ancient history? Typhoid Mary? He's immune, as she was, but he carries the disease and spreads it to others.

KIRK: Is the crew in danger?

MCCOY: I don't know. I'll have to check everyone on the ship. In the meantime, he should be placed in total isolation.

SEVRIN: You're not isolating me, you're imprisoning me. You invent a crime, find me guilty and sentence me! I am NOT wearing a mask, so forget about it!

MCCOY: You knew you were a carrier before you came aboard, didn't you?

SEVRIN: No!

MCCOY: Then why did you fight the examination?

SEVRIN: It was an infringement on my rights. I'm un-vaxed, un-masked, and unafraid! We're all going to Eden, and you, Herbert, and your crew are going to take us there!


[START MUSIC: "STARS IN THEIR EYES"]


KIRK: Oh really? Well I've had just about enough of your hippie ranting-this is my ship and there will be order!

ADAM: Your ship and the entire Federation are just tools of oppression, Herbert!

KIRK: No they're not!

SEVRIN: This ship is just a phallic symbol of abusive military power!

KIRK: It doesn't even LOOK like a penis!

SEVRIN: Then what is this ship, Herbert?

KIRK: What is it? What IS it?



[RAP SONG: "STARS IN THEIR EYES"]



SEVRIN: I will never be isolated! You can't make me! Your diagnosis is a lie, I'm not infectious! I'm no danger to anyone-

KIRK: Mr. Scott, put Dr. Sevrin in isolation, with a guard, and, I don't know, a basic handbook on how a virus works.

NARRATOR: Our engineer Scotty hauls away the protesting Dr. Sevrin.

SEVRIN: You're all oppressors! Fauci should be the one in jail! Fauci!!

(Scotty hauls Sevrin away)

NARRATOR: We join science officer Spock and Mr. Sulu on the bridge, with the space hippie Mavig, along with Girl #2, doing their best to continue disaffecting the crew.

[SULU, MAVIG, GIRL#2, SPOCK on bridge]

MAVIG: You don't belong with them!

GIRL #2: You should join us!

MAVIG: You're young!

GIRL #2: Think young!

SULU: You make it tempting!

MAVIG: You shouldn't be in a uniform!

GIRL #2: Be an individual!

MAVIG: Don't be a conformist!

GIRL #2: Let your hair down!

MAVIG: Take your clothes off!

GIRL #2: Wear nothing but beads!

MAVIG: Paint yourself!

GIRL #2: Paint us!

MAVIG & GIRL #2: PAINT US! PAINT US!

SULU: Oh, myyyy....

NARRATOR: Our captain Kirk enters the bridge, seeing the hippie Mavig attempting to persuade Sulu.

[KIRK ENTERS BRIDGE]

KIRK: Mister Sulu, explain.

SULU: (sheepishly) They wanted me to paint them, sir.

NARRATOR: Before our intrepid captain Kirk can have the scene rewritten to feature himself, he is interrupted by Mr. SCOTT calling from engineering.

[SCOTT in ENGINEERING]

SCOTT: Engineering to Bridge.

KIRK: (relieved) Yes, yes! Scotty, what is it?

SCOTT: Captain, I just had to give one of those barefooted what do you call 'ems the boot out of here. She came in bold as brass, tried to incite my crew to disaffect.

KIRK: Thank you, Scotty. Mister Spock, I don't seem to be able to communicate with these people.

SPOCK: Of course, captain. "Disaffect" means "to create a state of discontentment or disloyalty".

KIRK: No - I mean I can't communicate with our passengers, the space hippies. Do you think you can persuade them to behave?

SPOCK: I shall make an attempt, Captain.

KIRK: Thank you, Mister Spock. If it weren't for that ambassador's child, they'd all be in the brig.

SPOCK: Yes, sir.

NARRATOR: Later, on the bridge.

[KIRK on BRIDGE]

KIRK: Captain's log, stardate 5832.5. The arrogance of Doctor Sevrin and his followers is creating an intolerable situation aboard the Enterprise. If it continues, I'll be forced to use controls which might not agree with Starfleet's suggestion that they be handled with extreme tolerance.

NARRATOR: We join the recalcitrant space hippie leader Dr. Sevrin in the brig, with the valiant Mr. Spock attempting to quietly argue for reason.

[SPOCK & SEVRIN in the brig]

SEVRIN: I have no influence over what they do.

SPOCK: Doctor Sevrin, I'm in a position to help you and your group. I can use the resources of the Enterprise to determine whether or not Eden actually exists and to plot its exact location. I can present a case to Federation to allow you and your group to colonise that planet. Neither you nor your people are at present charged with a crime. However, incitement to disaffection is criminal. The Federation will never allow the colonisation of a planet by criminals. If they persist, they will be so charged and forever barred from Eden.

SEVRIN: As I have been barred.

SPOCK: Then you knew you were a carrier.

SEVRIN: Okay fine, I knew. I'm sick and can infect people. And I'm not allowed to visit planets with no medical technology.

SPOCK: What I fail to understand is why you disobey those orders.

SEVRIN: Because this is poison to me! This stuff you breathe, this stuff you live in, the shields of artificial atmosphere that we have layered about every planet. The programs in those computers that run your ship and your lives for you, And Temu, what is that? Why is it so cheap? I mean, a backpack for a dollar fifty, that's crazy, crazy! Right? I mean someone's being forced to make them, right?

SPOCK: Probably.

SEVRIN: Yes, well all of that breeds what my body carries. That's what your science has done to me. You've infected me. Only the primitives can cleanse me. I cannot purge myself until I am among them. Only their way of living is right. I must go to them.

SPOCK: But your very presence there will destroy the people you seek. Surely you know that.

SEVRIN: I shall go to them and be One with them. And together we shall build a world such as this galaxy has never seen. A world. A life.

SPOCK: Perhaps now is a good time for a song, Doctor. If I may...


SONG: Paul R.
(Eden Doesn't Want You Anyways)


SPOCK: So there you have it, Doctor.

SEVRIN:So...now you're going to try to persuade me that your technologies will find a cure for me, and then I'll be free to go.

SPOCK: (avoiding)...Well, yes...

SEVRIN: And for that reason I should persuade my friends to behave so that they too will be allowed.

SPOCK: That's the plan, Doctor.

SEVRIN: All right, you send them in. I'll talk to them.

SPOCK: I would like to formalize our understanding with more than a simple verbal agreement. Something mutually binding.

SEVRIN: Uh, what do you have in mind, Mr. Spock?

SPOCK: I believe this merits a pinky swear.

SEVRIN: A pinky swear? Really? (smiles at 4th wall...) Uh...ok...

SPOCK: Very well, then. Pinky swear? (extends pinky for swear, which Sevrin reciprocates while broadly gesturing crossed fingers on the other hand).

SEVRIN: Pinky swear.

SPOCK: Excuse me, but I'm not familiar with the accompanying gesture you just made. What...?.

SEVRIN: I've crossed my fingers, sir. It's a gesture of additional sincerity as we do on my home planet.

SPOCK: Very well, then. So, Dr. Sevrin, are we agreed?

SEVRIN: Works for me. (big grin)

NARRATOR: Later, Mr. Spock joins our Captain on the bridge to discuss his illuminating meeting with Dr. Sevrin.

[KIRK, SPOCK and CHEKOV on the bridge]

SPOCK: Dr. Sevrin is insane. I have spoken with him, and he is thoroughly delusional. I mean, oh my God that guy is nuts - seriously! (Spock makes rotating finger movement around his head and whistles) And - honestly, I'm at a loss with how to deal with him.

KIRK: Okay, fine, I'll have Bones check him out. Spock, I'm sorry. You had great respect for him. But it does explain some of what they've done.

SPOCK: His condition does not affect my interest in the movement. There is no insanity in what they seek. I made a promise which I should like to keep. With your permission, I must locate Eden. I shall work in my quarters. May I have the assistance of Mister Chekov in auxiliary control?

KIRK: Auxiliary control? You mean the little known control room with very little security that can control the entire Enterprise if anyone say, took it over later? Certainly. Mister Chekov, assist Mister Spock.

NARRATOR: Later, on the bridge.

KIRK: Captain's log, stardate 5832.6. I have asked Doctor McCoy to check Starfleet medical records to verify Mister Spock's suspicion that Doctor Sevrin is insane. In spite of Doctor Sevrin's antipathy to us, he has promised Mister Spock that he will order his disciples to conform to our rules and regulations.

NARRATOR: Spock, alone in his quarters, works diligently on his computer, searching the quadrant to find the elusive planet Eden...when he hears a knock at the door.

[SPOCK in Spock's quarters]

SPOCK: Come in.

NARRATOR: It is the space hippie Adam, Dr. Severin's companion.

[ADAM enters]

ADAM: Hey Mr. Spock, I was just thinking - (sees the harp) Hey, brother, do you play? Is it Vulcan? Can I try it?

(Spock nods - Adam strums)

ADAM: Oh, that's now. That's real now. I reach that, brother. I really do.

(Spock takes the harp and plays)

ADAM: Hey, how about a session, you and us? It would sound. That's what I came for. I wanted to ask, you know, the captain upstairs, but he don't reach us. But would he shake on a session? I mean, we want to co-operate, like you ask, so I'm asking.

SPOCK: If I understand you correctly, I believe the answer might be yes.

ADAM: I'll spread the word.

NARRATOR: Later, Navigator Pavel Chekov shows his lost love Irina the auxiliary control room that can control the entire Enterprise remotely...which, again, in this narrator's opinion, might not be the best idea...

[CHEKOV & IRINA in Auxiliary control]

IRINA: Pavel, what room is this?

CHEKOV: Auxiliary control.

IRINA: What's it for?

CHEKOV: Well, get this: Should the main control room breakdown or suffer damage, we can navigate the ship, the weapons, shields, life support...all from here.

IRINA: Really?

CHEKOV: Yes! You just press these buttons, and all control transfers to this easily secured room, and the bridge is completely locked out.

IRINA: ...I'll make a mental note about that. Also, I want to apologize. I should not have teased you. It was cruel.

CHEKOV: Then why do you do such things?

IRINA: What are you working on?

CHEKOV: I am assisting Mister Spock in locating your Eden.

IRINA: Oh, now you are teasing me.

CHEKOV: I am not. These tapes contain star charts -

IRINA: Excuse me - tapes?

CHEKOV: Tapes.

IRINA: Tapes.

CHEKOV: Tapes.

IRINA: What century is this?

CHEKOV: And we project the orbits of the various planets here. By a mathematical process, we determine whether or not they are affected by other bodies...or dimensional curves...heat...fluctuations...vibrations...the instruments are very sensitive...

IRINA: Do you know all these things?

CHEKOV: What I do not know I find out from the computer banks. If I came aboard this ship knowing nothing at all, I could navigate the ship simply by studying what is stored in there. They contain the sum of all human knowledge.

IRINA: ...You're just looking up Wikipedia, aren't you?

CHEKOV: No. They also solve our problems of navigation, control... (Irina gets closer, Chekov stammers, visibly distracted) life...support. And here you can, uh...you can also control the main..thrusters, and the antimatter...injector. But we use our own judgment also.

IRINA: (sultry) Really? I could never obey a computer.

CHEKOV: You could never listen to anyone. You always had to be different.

IRINA: There is nothing wrong in doing what you want. (Gets even closer to Chekov)

(Chekov is momentarily distracted by Irina's proximity. They look at eachother longingly, as if about to kiss.)

SPOCK [offstage]: Spock to Chekov. I am not receiving your signal.

CHEKOV: I am sorry, Mister Spock. ...Something..came up. Preparing...transfer of material. In three seconds, I will begin... dissemination.

SPOCK [offstage]: Thank you Ensign.

NARRATOR: Later, Adam, MAVIG, GIRL#2, Girl #2, Irina, and Tongo Rad discuss devious plans in their guest quarters.

[RAD, ADAM, MAVIG, GIRL#2, Girl #2 & IRINA in guest quarters]

RAD: His name is Sulu, He's the pilot. His hobby is botany.

ADAM: Can you bring him to One?

RAD: Soon. I reach botany. It's my favorite of studies. What's yours?

ADAM: The Vulcan. Spock is practically One now.

IRINA: Everything can be handled from auxiliary control. The computers contain all the information we need. We can do it.

ADAM: It starts to chime.

RAD: When will it?

ADAM: Soon. Like Dr. Sevrin said. Now, we should all go out and swing as many as possible over.

RAD: How should we swing them?

ADAM: Just be friendly. You know how to be friendly. Then they'll be friendly.

Mavig: That doesn't sound very helpful.

ADAM: Look man, just swing them, okay?

NARRATOR: Later, in the rec room, the space hippies perform their strangely seductive music, broadcast and enjoyed throughout the ship by the crew members - none of whom realize the entire jam is only a distraction from the hippies' nefarious plot.


[ADAM, IRINA, MAVIG, GIRL#2 in the rec room]

(SPACE HIPPIES PLAY SPACE HIPPIE TUNES)



SONG: MAGIC SOAP OPERA - ADAM



SONG: HIPPIE PROTEST SONG - ADAM/SEVRIN


NARRATOR: The crew members are slowly won over by the groovy sounds and start to dance to the music.

(SPOCK ARRIVES and joins the jam with his harp.)


SONG: SPOCK/ADAM JAM


NARRATOR: While the space hippies distract the crew with their carefree and entrancing music, Tongo Rad sneaks up on the security officer guarding Sevrin's cell. He uses pressure points to knock him out, and releases Sevrin from the brig.


SONG: Velour Underground Karaoke


NARRATOR: Meanwhile, on the bridge, Kirk, Spock, Mr. Scott, Sulu, and Chekov listen to the space hippie's enchanting music affecting the rest of the crew.

[KIRK, SPOCK, SCOTTY, SULU & CHEKOV on bridge]

KIRK: Dammit, crew, stop dancing!

NARRATOR: Having freed Dr. Sevrin, the doctor and Tongo Rad sneak up to the front door of the auxiliary control room. Tongo Rad quietly knocks out the man on duty. Again, not the most secure place for what the room's supposed to be able to do, just saying. Not a great design. Our infiltrators now enter the auxiliary control room and start to press the buttons in just the manner Irina described.

NARRATOR: Back on the bridge, the hippie's sabotage starts to have an effect.

SULU: Captain, I get no response from controls. We're going off course.

KIRK: Scotty, what's the problem?

SCOTT: It's shorted. No...captain! The power has been channeled over somewhere...

KIRK: Let me guess...auxiliary control?

SCOTT: Yes, auxiliary control!

KIRK: Awesome. Great. (into speaker) Bridge to auxiliary control. Bridge to auxiliary control.

SULU: Captain, it seems as though someone else is running the ship.

KIRK: Ya think?

NARRATOR: A familiar voice emanates through the internal speakers.

SEVRIN [offstage]: That's right, someone else IS running this ship...I am.

NARRATOR: The whole space hippie crew has now joined Dr. Sevrin and Tongo Rad in the auxiliary control room.

[SEVRIN, ADAM, IRINA, TONGO RAD, MAVIG in auxiliary control]

SCOTT: He's got everything channeled over, Captain.

KIRK: We'll be okay as long as he doesn't turn off life support.

SEVRIN: I've turned off your life support.

KIRK: Dammit.

SEVRIN: You cannot interfere, as I have frozen the doors to the control room. If I am in any way prevented from reaching Eden, I shall destroy this ship and all aboard.

KIRK: AOOH, that's a little dark. Spock, Spock! ...Can he do it?

SPOCK: He has the capability, Captain.

KIRK: Well, look - we're in a spaceship between planets. I'm sure we can probably resolve this in time before anything too serious happens.

SULU: Captain, we're now leaving the Neutral Zone and entering Romulan space!

KIRK: ...Fuck. Doctor Sevrin! You are violating Romulan space and endangering the peace of the galaxy. The Romulans will view this as a military intrusion and attack. If you return to Starbase now, no charges will be leveled. (makes "iffy" gesture with hands)

TONGO RAD: Charges? Yeah, about those charges...


SONG - TONGO RAD


KIRK: If you do not return to the Starbase, you will never reach Eden. You, and this ship, will be destroyed.

ADAM [offstage]: He's got jelly in the belly. Real scared.

KIRK: Adam, Tongo, Irina, Mavig! You are all being led by a man who is insane. Spock, you tell them.

SPOCK: Adam, there is a file on Doctor Sevrin in our computer banks. In it you'll find a report attesting to the fact that he is a carrier of a bacillus strain known as Synthococcus novae.

ADAM: (sarcastic) Ain't that just awful.

SPOCK: Yes, it is quite-oh, that's sarcasm, okay, I get it. Well, you'll also find a report from the same hospital, giving a full psychological profile on him and projecting these actions of his.

ADAM: (sarcasm) Yay, brother.

SPOCK: Adam. You know I reach you. I believe in what you seek. But there is a tragic difference between what YOU want and what Dr. Sevrin wants. Please, stop this madness.

ADAM: (sarcasm) Aw, you're making me cry.

NARRATOR: The space hippies continue to determinedly search through the computer, at last finding the exact coordinates of their steadfast goal.

RAD: There it is! They've established Eden, Brother Sevrin.

IRINA: Pavel said they would. Our original course must have been somewhat in error.

SEVRIN: When will we get there?

RAD: At this speed, three hours.

SEVRIN: They'll try to persuade us to change course presently...and if that doesn't work then they'll attack.

RAD: How do you plan to stop them?

SEVRIN: I have another weapon. Take control, Brother Rad.

NARRATOR: The wily Dr. Sevrin manipulates several wires behind a panel.

ADAM: What are you doing?

SEVRIN: Making an adjustment on their circuits.



ADAM: MORE HIPPIE SINGING



NARRATOR: A few hours later, with the Enterprise now well inside Romulan Space, Spock continues to monitor the hippie's progress.

SPOCK: We are within sensor range of Eden and continuing to approach.

KIRK: Whatever they're going to do, they're going to do now.

NARRATOR: In the auxiliary control room, Irina begins to suspect Dr. Sevrin's less than peaceful motives.

IRINA: What are you doing? What will that do to them?

SEVRIN: I'm using sound against them, beyond the ultrasonic. It will stun everyone outside this room and allow us time to leave in one of their shuttlecraft.

IRINA: But Dr. Sevrin-sound pitched that high doesn't stun, it destroys!

SEVRIN: I've gone beyond the elementary teaching, Irina. It's correct for you to be concerned, but be assured also.

RAD: We are in orbit over Eden, Brother Sevrin. But Irina is right-a sound that high does destroy.

SEVRIN: We cannot allow them to come after us. I have adjusted it so that it will suspend its effects after a few moments and allow us time to escape. Rejoice, brethren. Soon we shall step together into Eden.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, on the bridge, as Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock and the valiant crew formulate a plan to break into the auxiliary control room and stop the space hippies, Sevrin carries out his dastardly plan!

[HIGH PITCHED SOUND]

(Spock is instantly stricken with pain)

SPOCK: (in pain) Auugh!

KIRK: Spock! Spock! What's wrong?

SPOCK: (clenched teeth) They're using sound, Captain! Beyond the-

NARRATOR: The deafening high pitched sound now starts to incapacitate our gallant crew!

ALL: (yelling) Aaaaaaaaaugh!

SPOCK: They're using sound beyond the ultrasonic!

KIRK: (in pain) ...What?

SCOTT: (also in pain) What did you say?

SPOCK: ...Sound beyond the...never mind.

NARRATOR: Kirk, Spock, Mr. Scott and our brave crew all succumb to the deafing noise and fall to the ground, unconscious.


ADAM: MORE HIPPIE SINGING


NARRATOR: In the auxiliary control room, the insane Dr. Sevrin sees his nefarious plan has worked.

SEVRIN: Now we may leave.

NARRATOR: As the space hippies leave the auxiliary control room, on route to their next objective, the crew members in the bridge slowly start to awake.

KIRK: (waking) Ugh, my ears...

SPOCK: Captain, they were using sound beyond the ultrasonic! They've set a timer to activate it again in a few minutes. But I believe I've found a way to bypass the panel in Auxiliary.

KIRK: Good work Spock! Kirk to Engineering. Engineering come in. Hangar deck respond. Kirk to Transporter Room. Does anyone read me? Respond!

SULU: (waking) Captain - what happened to us? I heard a whistle, and then...

KIRK: Never mind. Do we have control of the ship? Can we break out of orbit if we have to?

SULU: I think so, sir.

CHEKOV: Sir, the inner door to the shuttlecraft hangar has been opened.

KIRK: Lock down all shuttlecraft!

CHEKOV: They've powered up a shuttlecraft, Captain.

KIRK: Lock the main hangar doors so they can't escape!

CHEKOV: They've escaped out the main hangar doors, Captain.

KIRK: Oh, come ON! Spock--do you read any Romulans?

SPOCK: Negative, Captain. However I am picking up the shuttlecraft.

KIRK: (sarcastically) Oh good, just in time. Where?

SPOCK: It is landing on the planet's surface. Except for those aboard the craft, I read no life at all, either humanoid nor animal.

KIRK: Bridge to Doctor McCoy. Bones, are you all right?

MCCOY [offstage]: Yes, Jim.

KIRK: Stand by, transporter room. Full medical gear. Scotty, you have the conn. If any Romulans appear, try to make them understand. I do not want to provoke combat. Spock. Chekov, come with me.

NARRATOR: Our intrepid crew of Kirk, Spock, Chekov, and Dr. McCoy all head to the transporter room to beam down to the planet.

[KIRK, SPOCK, CHEKOV, & MCCOY stand together, single file.

KIRK: Energize.

[VFX/SFX: projector transporter shimmer and sound effect aimed at KIRK, SPOCK, CHEKOV & MCCOY. As the shimmer and SFX are happening, the crew crouch down. The projector shimmer fades out, hopefully giving the impression that the crew has beamed away from the transporter room. The shimmer and SFX now start again, and this time the crew stands up. The shimmer stops, implying that the crew has now arrived by transporter to the planet Eden.]

[The crew now moves offstage, stage right, on to the grass of the yard. The performance is no longer on stage, but now continues to the left of the audience view, on the grass surrounding the apple tree, as if they are actually on the surface of planet Eden. The actors now have free movement.]

[The crew takes our tricorders, etc. to scan the planets surroundings]

[NOTE: Lines should now be spoken louder.]

[The crew all look around and study the exotic landscape of the "planet".]



SONG - ENSEMBLE - "All The Plants Are Full of Acid"


ADAM:
We've come home again
We are stardust, we are golden
In our true domain
One consciousness unfolding

And at the end of our flight
The shock of knowing we were right
Here we cross the river Jordan
No more burdens, only gardens
Out of prison, past the warden
No shoes, no pants, no problem

The future's burning with a blessed holy light
It's gonna be a crazy night


SPOCK: The legends were true, Captain. A fantastically beautiful planet.

CHEKOV: Eden.

KIRK: Spread out. Approach with caution.

CHEKOV: (SCREAM) - The flower, sir. I touched it. It's like fire.

MCCOY: He's burned. All these plants are full of acid. Even the grass, Jim.

[They find ADAM]

KIRK: Bones?

MCCOY: It's poison. The fruit is deadly.

SPOCK: His name was Adam.


SPOCK:
Adam was his name
And he dreamed of being ONE
Sought the primal flame
Where the legends had begun

And at the end of his race
Only burn marks on his face
No more to walk no more to run
He flew his ship too near the sun

Now he's broken on the ground
Eden lost and Eden found

Burned and blinded by an everlasting light
It must have been a crazy night

EVERYONE:
All the grass is full of acid
Every purchase has its price
All the grass is full of acid
It's been a crazy night

SPOCK: Spock to Enterprise. Stand by to beam aboard injured parties.

SEVRIN: No, we're not leaving.

KIRK: We can help you aboard the ship.

SEVRIN: We're not leaving Eden, none of us.

KIRK: Be sensible, Doctor.

SEVRIN: We're not leaving.

MCCOY: Come back here, you fool!

KIRK: Sevrin, don't! You'll kill yourself!

MCCOY: Don't bite into that!

[Sevrin bites the fruit and falls dead]

IRINA: It was so beautiful.


[CHEKOV comforts IRINA.] KIRK:
We've come around again

We're billion year old carbon
Atoms turned to men
Caught in the devil's bargain

And at the end of our fight
The pain of knowing we were right
We are cast out, we can't return
The angel's sword will always burn

With all-consuming flame, our primal sacrifice
That sent us out in this crazy night

EVERYONE:
All the grass is full of acid
The fruit of knowing that reality still bites
All the grass is full of acid
Here in this crazy night

All the grass is full of acid
Knowledge purchased at a horrifying price
All the grass is full of acid
It's always been a crazy night
It's always been a crazy night
It's always been a crazy night



NARRATOR: The entire crew, together with the disillusioned and humbled Irina, MAVIG, GIRL#2, Girl #2, and Tongo, travel back to the Enterprise, orbiting what is now revealed to be a deadly, poisonous planet which has now become a metaphor for...something, I don't know: The folly of trying to change the status quo? It's all kind of problematic.

[KIRK, SPOCK, SULU & CHEKOV on bridge]

NARRATOR: A few days later, as the Enterprise reaches the Starbase, Kirk, Spock, Chekov and Sulu make final preparations to transport the remaining space hippies off the ship.

Sulu: I have communication with Starbase now, Captain.

KIRK: Alert them that we have the four and we're ready to beam them down. And mark the incident closed.

SULU: Aye, sir.

KIRK: Bridge to Transporter. Scotty, are they there?

SCOTT [offstage]: Almost all of them, sir. Expecting the fourth and final hippie any minute.

KIRK: Stand by. Mister Chekov, do you wish to attend?

CHEKOV: Captain, I wish first to apologize for my conduct during this time. I did not maintain myself under proper discipline. I endangered the ship and its personnel by my conduct. I respectfully submit myself for disciplinary action.

KIRK: Thank you, Mister Chekov. You did what you had to do. As did we all. Even your friends. You may go.

CHEKOV: Thank you, sir.

NARRATOR: As Chekov starts to head to the turbo lift to meet Irina in the transporter room, the turbo lift doors open, revealing Irina herself, who has come up to meet Chekov.

[IRINA ENTERS the bridge]

CHEKOV: I was coming to say goodbye.

IRINA: And I was coming to say goodbye to you. (a kiss) Be incorrect, occasionally.

CHEKOV: And you be correct.

IRINA: Occasionally.

SPOCK: Miss Galliulin. It is my sincere wish that you do not give up your search for Eden. I have no doubt but that you will find it, or make it yourselves.

IRINA: Thank you.

NARRATOR: The space hippie Irina, escorted by Chekov, exits the bridge, heading to her own destiny, leaving our crew to ponder the chaotic and possibly enlightening events of the past few days.

[IRINA leaves]

KIRK: We reach, Mister Spock. Perhaps, given time and wisdom, we all may reach our own Eden..in the future.

[SEVRIN & ADAM pop up on stage]

SEVRIN & ADAM: Yeah-The Future!

[60s DANCE MUSIC STARTS]

[EVERYONE IN THE CAST DANCES, AUDIENCE ENCOURAGED]

[The music keeps going and turns into a dance party for everyone. The cast take their bows, and continues the dance party, maybe even a dance/jam session!]

[THE END]

NOTE ABOUT TEXT: If you want to use a detail not mentioned in this version of the story,
contact Martin and we'll work something out.

All original songs and recordings for this show will be
Copyright 2023 by their respective performers.
All rights for the songs are reserved.