Not From The Author

Note From The Author

Loveable artist seeks brilliant cutie for friendship, romance. Please be creative, expressive, honest, excited about life. Looking for adorable F, 21-34 to see movies with. I love talking, walking on beaches, beautiful sunsets...I love sunsets but I don't usually watch them unless I'm on a date or someone is visiting. Ditto walking on beach. You too, right? Seeking fellow nature lover. Please be intelligent, passionate. Don't be so ambitious that our relationship gives you the confidence to dump me and finally face life on your own. Slightly dependent/needy preferred. I'll protect you from the uncaring world and you'll learn to love the way I leave the house each day with my shirt unbuttoned and a bagel stuck in my mouth. The zipper on my backpack is broken, haven't replaced it. Let's talk indie films over Vietnamese take-out. Take a risk! I'm self-absorbed; are you? SWM, never leaves his room, busy building mental model of the perfect career/sex life while slowly outgrowing any possibility of scoring with girls of my own level of emotional maturity. Catholic school uniform a plus. Looking for fun, with long-term potential. I will want to tie you up. Me: funny, thoughtful, look good in jeans. You: pretty, uninhibited, sick of the years of abuse heaped upon you by guys who had sex in high school. Ever written in a cafe? Ever spent an hour giving a haircut as prelude to erotic activity? Ever had a date so wonderful you had to throw your clothes away afterward? Let's get to know each other! Overanalytical would-be manic-depressive looking for prostitute/ mother type. Likes/dislikes: chocolate/coffee; trees/TV; camping/conservatives; approval/abandonment; hiking/having my weaknesses exposed; Beethoven/being ridiculed in public; backrubs/humiliation and rejection; laughter/confrontation; writing/red meat. We'll nervously sip good wine and I'll read you poetry and you'll like it. I've been called very attractive, sexy, funny, talented. Please be optimistic, open-minded, bisexual or willing to pretend. My clothes and hairstyle are blandly designed to render me invisible in a crowd; I'll expect you to be the visually striking half of the duo. Let's hold hands and walk in the rain. Read to each other by the light of the fire. I'll tell you everything you never knew about yourself and you'll thank me for it. I've got the job and the home; all that's missing is the icy maternal approval of that special someone. Brown hr/eyes. Your race unimportant. Even so, Asians encouraged. And don't be condescending and assume you know why! God, I hate people who think they understand me, thinking I'm naive or domineering. Go to hell! My idea of the perfect weekend: a remote cabin, an inspiring art project, and the time to spend with you, exciting and mysterious. I love long roadtrips into the country and every time my car turns a corner the trash on the floor loudly sloshes side to side like gravel in a tin box. Disappear with me. Convince me to survive. Be my dirty Virgin Mary, save me from myself. Warm hugs, sweet kisses, nasty sex, hilarious and unholy. Self-loathing workaholic writer seeking nothing more than a muse and a meal ticket and an end to this spiritual starvation. I know you've felt it too. Within my bedroom lurks the future you've been too scared to face but you know you can't hold out forever. You're underwater, shaking, desperate to breathe again. Climb the ladder! Face your accuser! Experience my awesome stereo! Are you ready for a real man? I want everybody to admire me and I look down on anyone who does. I know everything and I never shut up. When I am proven wrong I become physically violent. Favorite colors: red, purple. Let me cook you dinner. Please have a clear, graceful voice, terrifying curves and few friends to compete with me. Please be new in town but willing to let me have time to myself. Don't be better at meeting people than I am, I'm so sick of that. Please be in a position to help my career: publicist, radio program director, famous actress? Everything's negotiable. I'm educated, thoughtful, not really well-read; I'm intimidated by any paragraph longer than the caption to the Entertainment Weekly birthday chart. I feel this puts me in touch with the feelings of the common man. I'm perceptive and insightful. Americans are morons. Please be disease-free, no drugs, no smoking. Okay...you can smoke, but try not to smell like cigarettes all the time. Being picky has taken me nowhere, and left me with nothing to cling to but my bitterness. I'm fit, 5'11", compassionate and generous, into NPR. You will be very impressed. I play several instruments, teach theater classes, write and perform songs, I'm published and literate and fun and interesting. Few women can handle me. Recent girlfriends have left shaken, confused, overwhelmed. I'm too god damn appealing! Can you even face me? Former romantic partners are available for confirmation of above statistics; references provided upon request. Busy with day job and writing/music/filmmaking career, I'm looking for meaningful explorations of cultural excitement and physical intimacy, say...one night a week. Let's talk! Marty, Box 590104, San Francisco, CA 94159-0104. Please look and act like someone I've dated before, it'd be a real time-saver. Cool hair a plus.

ej@templeofdominoes dot com

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