THE ROAD WORRIER
(Coming soon to a multiplex and/or VCR near you)
Copyright 2000, Martin Azevedo
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1. Blank screen
TOBY (VOICEOVER)
Hi, I'm Toby.
We see a slide of a small town in Oregon.
TOBY (V.O.)
This is Pelham, Oregon, where I grew up. It rained a lot.
The slide changes. The word "Astronaut" appears in the middle of the screen.
TOBY (V.O.)
This is the list of career paths I considered as a child. I changed my mind frequently, so some things are on there twice. That's me on the right.
Names appear one by one, as Toby’s elementary school pictures accompany them:
Astronaut
Fireman
Baseball Player
Scientist
Hero
Astronaut
Astronaut/Fireman
Actor
Clown
Performing Mathematician
President
Baseball Player
Astrophysicist
Gourmet Chef
Television Personality
Beloved College Professor
Standup Comedian
Film Writer/Director
Songwriter/Musician/Comedian
Film Writer/Director/Songwriter
Actor/Writer/Director/Songwriter
Writer/Recording Engineer/Musician
Exotic Dancer/Statesman
Musician/Roller Coaster Designer
Writer/Singer/Comedian/President
Drama Therapist/Film Critic
Exotic Dancer/Writer/President
We see a slide of Portland, Oregon.
TOBY (VOICEOVER)
This is Portland, Oregon. I moved here to go to college, where I studied creative writing and Theater Arts. I was totally focused during school and graduated in only four years.
We see a slide of Toby’s Dad.
TOBY (V.O.)
This is my father. He assured me that professional writers never study writing in college and that I should study something practical and write about that, but after I flunked my cybernetics class twice I decided I'd rather disappoint him by doing something I enjoyed instead of something I hated.
TOBY (V.O.)
We see a slide of a crappy brown VW Rabbit.
TOBY (V.O.)
This is the car I’ve been driving since I started college. My parents loaned me seven hundred dollars to buy it. If it didn’t leak or smell bad, it would be a great car.
We see a slide of Eugene.
TOBY (V.O.)
This is Eugene Clavicle. I sort of knew him growing up and we went to college together. After college I stayed in Portland and rented a room from his grandmother, who was insane, and I started writing.
We see a slide of Eugene’s Grandmother.
TOBY (V.O.)
This is Eugene's grandmother. She filled her house with garbage and she never threw anything away.
We see a picture of a small town in Idaho.
TOBY (V.O.)
This is Clarendon, Idaho. I moved here after deciding that other people were a terrible distraction and I needed to be alone to focus on my writing.
We see a slide of Seattle.
TOBY (V.O.)
This is Seattle, Washington. I moved here three months later after I ran out of money and survived a bout of hyperactive anemic depression, which is a condition most people have never even heard of.
( shuffle backwards to first slide, then forwards.)
TOBY (V.O.)
Well, actually, first I moved back to Pelham, which was a big mistake, and then I moved to Seattle, so I could focus on my writing.
(We see Mel, standing live before the camera.)
TOBY (V.O.)
This is Mel. We're not like best, best friends, but she's the best friend I have in Seattle. She's the reason I haven't gone crazy while living here.
We see a picture of Chad.
TOBY (V.O.)
This is Mel's boyfriend Chad, whom I've never met because he lives in Sacramento.
We see television script: "The Last Supper — A Very Special Episode of Delivery Dog"
TOBY (V.O.)
This is the first script I ever sold. It's for an episode of Delivery Dog, which was a syndicated sitcom about a dog with a paper route. It was cancelled as they were filming the second season because the star of the show was hit by a truck. Their check bounced and I took it as a sign that I should concentrate on films.
We see a quick excerpt from Delivery Dog — a German Shepherd wearing a newspaper sack delivers papers, jumps over a fence, etc.
TOBY (V.O.)
I've done other freelance writing too, including seven film reviews in an Internet thing that paid by the word but they fired me when I refused to pretend to like any of the crappy movies they sent me to write about and again, I took it as a sign.
Toby’s list of jobs appears, one job title at a time beside a picture of Toby dressed for each job:
Newspaper Delivery Carrier
Newspaper Inserter
Newspaper Inserting Crew Forman
Food Service Cashier
Retail Merchandising Assistant
Customer Service Helper
Records Clerk
Microfilming Clerk
Backups Technician/Freelance Television Writer
Administrative Assistant/Clerk
Telephone Support Representative
Transitional Systems Consultant
Temporary Interim Administrative Records Clerk
Temporary Assistant Personnel Data Coordinator
Toby(V.o.)
This is the list of all the jobs I've had since I was a kid. I used to say I was a comedy writer but my right now I'd be happy to do anything where the job title actually describes what I do.
2. Int. Toby’s Office - day
We see Toby walking between walls of file drawers and cubicles; he sorts papers as he walks, filing papers in cabinets, followed by the camera like an astronaut on the Jupiter spaceship in 2001, A Space Odyssey. Otherworldly music plays. WE HEAR TOBY ON VOICEOVER.
TOBY (VOICEOVER):
My current job title is Temporary Assistant Personnel Data Coordinator for Dunham Harrison Incorporated. The title means I do everything they don't pay somebody else to do, which is a lot. The company's had some money problems, so they keep moving us back and forth between different floors of the same three buildings, like we're grazing cattle. It's hard to stay motivated when I know the company could vanish off the face of the Earth tomorrow and nobody who's not on the payroll would notice.
I've been temping here for two and a half years. They offered me three days' work and thirty months later I'm still here. My colleagues spend every lunch break worrying about their stock options and I’m expected to hold the department together five days a week without screaming or setting fire to anything.
So I tend to lose track of what I'm supposed to be doing. Like, in the middle of the day I'll suddenly realize I've left the building and I can't remember why, or I'm in a meeting and I'm not supposed to be there, that kinda thing. Today I spent forty minutes standing in the supply closet trying to remember what I'd gone there to get. And it was then that I had what I later realized was my first out-of-body experience. I looked at the supply closet and I saw all the possibilities of my life, sitting there, waiting for anybody in the department to sneak away from their desks and take as much as they wanted. And looking at the shelves, I couldn't remember what I'd come there for. Usually I'd just go back to my desk and sit down and suddenly I'd remember exactly what I'd left my cubicle to get, but that ritual had grown humiliating and for some reason today I was determined to stand there waiting to remember what I'd gone there for.
A flood of images are seen on the shelves of the supply closet - office supplies, money, music equipment, seductive women, etc. All the fantastic things Toby might have become or wanted appear, eerie and colorful, before his eyes as they search the shelves.
TOBY (V.O.)
So, forty minutes later I was still there.
mel (V.o.)
What happened after that?
toby (V.O.)
There was a commotion. It was right at the end of the day. Something was wrong. People were circling the halls. A tidal wave of layoffs had come. Two thirds of our department would be gone the next day. Two women were crying. Everyone was tense. I was furious. I felt like the prison break had happened while I was in the bathroom.
The next day, everyone looked like they were wearing invisible backpacks filled with lead. The day after that, everything was back to normal. The herd had been thinned and they all went back to grazing.
Clive cheerfully sorts papers at his desk. Tina opens mail in her cubicle. Freddie carefully works dutifully at his computer. We see Toby asleep on his desk, the phone receiver in his hand resting by his head like the suicide weapon. The voicemail lady continues - "For accounting, press 657; for disbursement, press 873; for retroactive, press 554; for processing, press 867…". Toby awakes as Clive knocks on his cubicle entrance. Clive speaks slowly, but with disturbing enthusiasm.
Clive
Hello Toby!
Toby
Hi, can I help you?
Clive
So have you seen where you're going to be sitting in the new building?
Toby
Oh. Uh, no.
Clive
They've posted the plans in the break room.
Toby
Oh. Cool.
Clive
So are you excited about the move?
Toby
Oh. Uh, sure.
Clive
I hear there'll be brand new carpets!
Toby
Mmm.
Clive
Oh, you haven't closed the old fiscal year on the database, have you?
Toby
No. Probably tomorrow.
Clive
Okay, I'll have to get some reports first. This afternoon.
Toby
I didn't see Tracy today -
Clive
No, she was laid off.
Toby
Oh. Is Bryce still around?
Clive
Oh, yeah. They'll never get rid of him.
Bryce walks down the hall. With every footstep he pushes forth a cold wave of bitterness and disgust. He finds Toby and Clive talking.
Clive
Clive - Good morning Bryce!
Bryce
Yeah, hi.
Clive
See you, Toby!
Toby
Uh.
Bryce
Toby, you're the expert on the fiscal database, correct?
Toby
Such as it is, yeah.
Bryce
Okay, good. Randy is going to need the backup of the data file for the past fiscal year from before the closure. Very important.
Toby
Absolutely.
Bryce
Good man. Uh - what's that thing on your monitor?
A bendable figure of a cartoon character sits atop Toby's monitor.
Toby
My bendable?
Bryce
Yeah - That shouldn't be there. We got directors on this floor.
We see Toby sitting in his parked car, writing in his journal.
Toby (V.O.)
I can't sleep nights anymore. I'm exhausted all day and when I get home I try to write and I wind up spending all night doing something else that doesn't get done. I'll clean my room for three hours and the mess just gets worse and worse. Then I go back to work and the whole thing starts again.
Lately I've been praying. Dear God. I really need your help. Please give me something to work with. Please give me a sign that I'm doing the right thing. Gimme a fucking break. You let Joe Esterhaus become the highest paid screenwriter on the face of planet Earth and I'm trying to produce work that means something and everything I write is pretentious and fake.
Please help me write better. And get me a girlfriend. Amen.
3. Int. A taqueria - Day
Toby and Mel talk while eating burritos.
Toby
I keep dreaming I'm at work. I spend hours every night doing all the same stuff I do during the day.
Mel
You're still a contractor?
Toby
Yeah.
Mel
You should keep track of the hours you spend dreaming and bill them for your time.
Toby
Then when I get to work, I'm exhausted.
Mel
Do you ever dream about anything else?
Toby
Every couple of weeks I dream I'm in bed with a woman who calls me "Emperor".
Mel
Is there sex happening?
Toby
No. We're always playing Scrabble, actually.
Mel
She calls you "Emperor."
Toby
Yeah. Waking up is very disappointing. Did I ever tell you about Eugene?
Mel
Who's Eugene?
Toby
A friend from like, eighth grade - we didn't go to the same school. I had a dream about him the other day.
Mel
What was the dream?
Toby
I don't remember. He was angry at me. So how was Sacramento?
Mel
Did you get my postcard?
Toby
No.
Mel
Well, call me after you get it.
Toby
Why?
Mel
'Cause I want to talk about some of the stuff I wrote about.
Toby
What'd you say in the postcard?
Mel
What would be the point of mailing you a postcard if I just told you everything it was going to say before you got it?
Toby
Well, if you wanted to discuss what you wrote on the card, you coulda just handed it to me when you got back and we could be talking about it now, instead of waiting a week for the card to arrive.
Mel
Don't you think it's more special if you get it in the mail?
Toby
It's more suspenseful.
Mel
Well, I hadn't expected to be back so early. I'm flying back next week to get my car. I had to leave it there.
Toby
Why'd you come back?
Mel
There was an emergency at work. I could have dealt with it remotely but I left my laptop at home. I was trying to get away from it.
Toby
That sucks.
Mel
Yeah.
Toby
Did you think about not coming back?
Mel
Problem is, I love my job.
Toby
You're the only person I know who does.
Mel
I'm sorry to hear that.
Toby
So is your boyfriend ever going to visit you here instead of you visiting him there?
Mel
His name is Ben.
Toby
I know.
Mel
We're talking about him coming out here when he completes his dissertation.
Toby
When's that?
Mel
Next June.
Toby
Hmm.
Mel
So, what was that thing you wanted to ask me about that you said you kept forgetting to ask me about?
TOBY
I don't remember.
MEL
Oh.
TOBY
It'll come back to me.
MEL
Are you still writing for the porn website?
TOBY
It's not porn. It's a fetish website.
MEL
Well, same thing.
TOBY
Nobody reads anything at a porn website.
MEL
Are you still writing for them?
TOBY
Well, I only wrote three pieces for them.
MEL
I thought you'd written more.
Toby
No. I just did a lot of research.
Mel
What kind of research?
Toby
Reading porn.
Mel
You're not as embarassed about it as you used to be.
Toby
I've crossed the threshhold where I don't care anymore. I don't even wait for all the women to leave the liquor store before I carry it to the register. Saves a lot of time.
4. Int. Toby’s room - Night
Toby is writing furiously in his journal.
TOBY (V.O.)
For the last three weeks I've eaten nothing but burritos and cereal and I haven't even thought about it. Every morning in the shower I see the seven empty shampoo bottles and I say I'm going to throw them away when I get out of the shower. Then the shower ends and - I don't know what happens. I just suddenly show up at work, like I've been on auto pilot. The shower is still full of empty shampoo bottles. I forgot my lunch at home. I always forget my lunch at home. Everything gets done exactly the same way every day, like I'm not even there. I wake up at home or on the bus and it feels like it's been weeks since I actually thought about something I did. Like my life's just happening without me. That reminds me - I need to buy shampoo.
My only consistent passion in life is the lust I harbor for my housemate Peggy. I'm not in love with her...I haven't been in love since Daphne six years ago and by the time I'd fallen in love with her we'd been broken up for four months and she was pregnant by somebody who owned a house. My interest in Peggy was different: it's exciting. Shallow. Irresponsible. It's exactly the kind of pointless thrill ride I've spent my life avoiding.
This is the first time I've written in my journal in two months. Yesterday was Sunday. I had all day to work on the screenplay. Instead I spent seven hours recording a new outgoing message for my answering machine…it starts out with Terry Gross interviewing me about my success, then it says the usual answering machine stuff in words sampled from TV commercials.
We hear Toby’s brief but spectacular message. As it ends, there's a knock on the door.
TOBY
COME IN.
Toby’s attractive housemate Peggy enters. She sews a seam on the skirt she's wearing as she speaks.
PEGGY
Hi. If a male voice calls, I’m not here, ok?
TOBY
Where are you?
PEGGY
I gave my number to this creepy guy at the show last night, so if he calls, tell him I'm out - or better yet, I don’t live here. It's the wrong number.
TOBY
You don't live here?
PEGGY
No.
Toby
Do I know who you are?
Peggy
You have no idea who I am.
The phone rings.
Peggy
Oh God, that's probably him.
Toby
Okay.
Peggy
Are you gonna answer it?
Toby
How do I ask who it is, without implying that you live here?
She picks up phone, hands it to Toby.
Toby
Hello? Wrong number.
He hangs up.
Peggy
Was that him?
toby
I hope so.
Peggy
How do you know that was him?
Toby
You said a male voice. You want me to ask him how he met you before I tell him I don't know who you are?
Peggy
Oh God, what if it was Ted?
Toby
It wasn't Ted.
Peggy
Okay. I gotta run. Thanks.
Toby
See ya.
Toby is now in bed, writing in journal:
Toby (V.O.)
All I can do is disappoint people. I just want to be part of the world. I just want to feel like a grownup.
I've taken to locking myself in the handicap restroom at work and trying to sleep. Sometimes I'll listen to Enya on my walkman and try to imagine I'm at a spa, lying naked by the hot tub, waiting for my massage. Today I didn't even lock the door, almost hoping I'd get caught and fired.
I dreamed about Eugene again last night. He's a friend from when I was a kid. He was angry at me about everything. He was angry at me because I can't sleep. He was angry because I hated my job. He was angry that I've been writing the same screenplay for seven years without finishing it.
5. INT. TOBY’S ROOM - NIGHT
There is a knock on the door.
Toby
Come in.
Sultry music starts as the door opens. Peggy enters wearing sexy lingerie.
Peggy
Toby?
Toby
Yeah.
Peggy
Did anybody call for me while I was out?
Toby
No, nobody called for you.
Peggy
Thanks.
Toby
Mmm.
Peggy
Toby?
Toby
Yeah?
Peggy
Can I hang out in here for a while?
Toby
...sure.
She wanders around the room and sits on his bed.
Toby
I like your...that thing you're wearing.
Peggy
(Smiling)
This? So…is Toby short for anything?
Toby
It's short for "Toby Determined at a later date".
Peggy
Toby, you are so funny.
Toby
On a good day.
Peggy
Aren't you warm?
(She starts to remove his shirt)
Toby
Yeah, I'm kinda warm.
Peggy
You look warm.
Toby
Yeah.
Peggy
It's very warm.
Toby
Yeah.
She caresses his face.
Peggy
Toby?
Toby
Yeah.
Peggy
Toby I want to tell you something.
Toby
Tell me.
Peggy
...one...eight...five... retroactive... six...eight... one... for billing...dial six two five...
Toby
Oh, God.
Toby wakes up with a start at work, head on his desk, phone receiver in his hand. Of the many post-its stuck to his monitor, he pulls off one reading "Susan, 11 am", checks his watch and dashes from his seat.
Toby gingerly takes a seat in Susan’s office.
Susan
Could you close the door?
Toby
Sure.
Susan
So how are you feeling?
Toby
Suffering quietly. How are you?
Susan
I'll pull through. So, here's the news. George and Jean were so impressed with the way you handled their calendar issue that they called HR to get you a certificate of commendation for good customer service. I agreed - it was very well done. If you were a full-time employee, you'd be getting a day of vacation.
Toby
Oh. Great.
Susan
Well, not so fast. As you know, the reorganization came with a wave of layoffs on Monday. Now, normally, it would not be appropriate to hang onto a temp after a wave of layoffs.
Toby
I was wondering about that.
Susan
I'd convinced Bryce we should hang onto you because of your work with the database. Since Sandra left, you're our expert.
Toby
Uh-huh.
Susan
The problem is, when George and Jean found out you were a temp, they had a fit that we were holding onto you after the layoffs, 'cause Bill was coming down on them.
Toby
Uh-huh.
Susan
Now one thing I haven't told you. With the re-org, I'm going up to the tenth floor.
Toby
And what does that mean?
Susan
That means you'll be reporting to Bryce now.
Toby
I'm very happy to hear that.
Susan
Now hang in there. Listen, I know Bryce is not the most soft-spoken guy in the world, but he's in a bit of a pinch right now.
Toby
Over what?
Susan
Over you. He knows the department needs you, but he's got George and Jean on his back about the hiring freeze.
Toby
Uh huh.
Susan
Now, to appease everybody, Bryce has agreed to keep you on, provided that you wind up doing what Tamara was doing before the layoffs.
Toby
Instead of what I have been doing?
Susan
In addition to what you have been doing.
Toby
Huh.
Susan
I'm sorry to drop all this on you at once. I figured you could handle it.
Toby
Well, as long as I can keep embezzling funds from payroll, I’ll be okay.
Susan
I hope you’re kidding.
Toby
I’m kidding.
Susan
Couldn’t do it without you, Toby.
Toby
I’ll take your word for it.
7. Int. Taqueria - night
Toby and Mel are playing scrabble in a taqueria. They've just eaten burritos.
Toby
I'm thinking of becoming an alcoholic.
Mel
What would that accomplish?
Toby
I dunno. It would give me something to write about.
Mel
Why do you stay at your job?
Toby
'Cause they need me. It's nice to have one little part of my life where I'm not a complete fuckup.
Mel
Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but if they're laying everybody off, they don't need you.
Toby
I also get free photocopies. That's important to a writer.
Mel
You said you haven't written anything in months.
Toby
That's a technicality.
Mel
Well, I told you you should leave a year ago.
Toby
Let's change the subject.
Mel
You realize it's your turn.
Toby
I'm thinking. Can we do acronyms?
MEL
No. So what do you want to change the subject to?
Toby
How's your sex life?
Mel
It's great, when I'm in Sacramento.
Toby
So, how do you know when you're in love?
Mel
You want a real answer to that?
Toby
I asked.
Mel
You know the baseball scale?
Toby
What do you mean?
Mel
First base is kissing, second base is petting above the waist,
Toby
yeah.
Mel
...third base is below the waist, home run is intercourse.
Toby
Yeah.
Mel
Well, in my experience, love is when the game ends and you still want to play catch.
Toby
And that's the whole thing?
Mel
No, that's the short version. It's still you turn, y'know.
Toby
Your last move ruined what I was going to do. So can you be in love with more than one person at a time?
Mel
You mean can you do it or can you get away with it?
Toby
Is it possible?
Mel
Anything's possible.
Toby
Are you in love with Ben?
Mel
Oh yeah.
Toby
Do you think you could be in love with somebody else at the same time?
Mel
Who do you have in mind?
Toby
I'm just curious.
Mel
I've tried juggling before. Something always gets dropped. And too often it's me. So are there two women you've got your eye on?
Toby
No. Nobody, actually.
Mel
So why haven't you called Salina?
Toby
'Cause when you introduced us she thought I was an idiot.
Mel
Why do you say that?
Toby
'Cause all I could say to her was "cool" and "that sucks". Three hours together, that's all I could say. It was torture. I spent the whole time trying not to stare at her...breasts.
Mel
Well, for what it's worth, I've been telling her more about you.
Toby
Did you tell her how I look like John Cusack when I've had a good night's sleep?
MEL
I've never seen you after a good night's sleep.
Toby
You don't trust me?
MEL
I've been telling her more about you and she wants to go out with you again.
Toby
Mel. Thank you.
Mel
Just don't panic. Or stare at her breasts.
Toby
I'll do my best.
8. Int. Small movie theater - Night
We see two seats in a small theater. Toby and Salina enter frame and take those seats. Toby stands up again and the two of then move one seat to the left, out of frame. Toby stands up again and they move back to the original seats.
Toby
I kinda need to be sitting in the center.
Salina
Mmm-hmm.
Toby studies which seat is closer to the center.
Salina
Are you gonna need surveying equipment?
Toby
Do you think we could move up...two rows?
Salina
...sure.
They move up two rows, Toby carefully surveying the available seats again.
8A. ext. Toby’s Car - Night
Toby and Salina sit inside Toby's car, parked on a hill. Toby releases the brake and the car rolls forward.
Salina
Don't you want to turn the engine on before you start moving?
Toby
The starter needs replacing. Sometimes I need to get it rolling down a hill and pump start it.
Halfway down the hill, the engine starts up with a jolt.
Salina
Have you considered getting a new starter?
Toby
Yeah. I've got a new one. It's in the back.
Salina
Have you considered installing it in place of the broken one?
Toby looks at her.
A moment later - Toby's car is moving through traffic.
SALINA
Is that your car that smells like that?
Toby
The car ahead of us is burning oil.
Salina
Is it okay if I smoke?
Toby
Oh, I don't care.
Salina
I mean, is your car going to blow up if I light a match?
Toby
No. I burn incense in here sometimes.
Salina
You do?
Toby
Yeah. In the winter, the carpets get wet, and...
Salina
Oh. Mm-hmm.
LATER- inside Toby's car, parked on a hill. Toby turns off engine. They each keep seat belts on.
Toby
So why'd you leave San Diego?
Salina
I really don't want to talk about that.
Toby
Oh. So...do you have a middle name?
Salina
No.
Toby
You don't?
salina
I'm one of those people with no middle names. I get to explain that to everybody who asks.
Toby
Sorry.
Salina
It's okay. So is Toby short for something?
Toby
Toby determined at a later date.
Salina
Mm hmm.
Toby
That joke killed when I was in third grade.
Salina
Uh huh.
Toby
Mel told me you were a biochemist.
Salina
Yep.
Toby
So what does that involve doing?
Salina
I'm the cancer fairy.
Toby
Sorry, what?
Salina
I give cancer to laboratory rats. I'm the cancer fairy.
Toby
Oh. Do you like it?
Salina
Well, I'm fine with it, until I start believing in Karma or an afterlife.
Toby
Mmm.
Salina
I'm gonna get into psychopharmacology.
Toby
Uh huh. So do you sometimes find yourself sympathizing with the rats?
Salina
Well, rats will eat hair care products and human beings won't, so I can maintain an emotional distance.
Toby
Yeah. So how long did you live in San Diego?
Salina
Could we not talk about that?
Toby
Yeah. Sorry.
Salina
I just feel like I'm being interrogated.
Toby
I'm sorry.
Salina
Okay.
Toby
Actually, I've gotta get up early in the morning, so -
salina
Yeah, so do I.
(She takes off seatbelt.)
Toby
I'll let you out.
Salina
No, I'll let myself out.
Toby
No, you can’t unlock that door from the inside.
9. Int. Mel’s House - Night
Toby and Mel are talking at her house.
Toby
God, it was awful. She was... emotionally inaccessible.
Mel
You're going to say that every time I set you up with someone.
Toby
What I need is somebody who's enthusiastic about life and isn't afraid to share it with me. Passion is what life's all about. Most people can't deal with it.
Mel
So why do you attract so many emotionally inaccessible women?
Toby
I don't attract them. You set me up with them. If I attracted them, there wouldn't be a problem.
Mel
Uh-huh.
Toby
I mean, I really do like it when you set me up with people. It's like getting a Christmas present and I don't know what it is. It's really exciting. But...I'm sorry. It just always turns out to be socks.
Mel
I'm delighted to hear you feel that way about my friends.
Toby
You know what I mean.
Mel
I thought it would work with you and Salina.
Toby
Salina just...she needs to deal with her emotions differently.
Mel
Look, your problem was not that she was emotionally inaccessible. Your problem was that you agreed on the second date to see a documentary on female genital mutilation.
Toby
I thought it would inspire a meaningful conversation.
Mel
Second dates are not for meaningful conversation. Second dates are for reinforcing her belief that you’re not a rapist. Meaningful conversation requires intimacy. You build it up over time.
Toby
How much time?
Mel
Several dates.
Toby
Well we didn't really have a first date. Anyway, she picked the movie. If I’d said no, I would have looked like I was unable to sympathize with women’s issues.
Mel
You could have said you weren’t in the mood that night.
Toby
I didn’t think of that. Anyway, I don't want her to think I'm a typical guy.
Mel
Toby, I love you and I want you to be happy. I wish that was enough.
Toby
I need to leave. I need to not be here anymore.
Mel
You need to move?
Toby
There’s nothing here for me. There’s you, I’m sorry…but…
Mel
It's okay. You're depressed.
Toby
I’m not depressed. I’m too pro-active to be depressed. This is controlled suicidal mania.
Mel
So what are you going to do about it?
Toby
I don’t know.
Mel
Are you gonna be okay for another week?
Toby
I don't know.
Mel
Promise me you’re going to be okay. Toby, promise me —
Toby
I’ll be fine.
Mel
So what do you really want?
Toby
I really want to fuck my housemate Peggy.
Mel
Everyone wants to fuck your housemate Peggy.
Toby
You asked what I wanted.
Mel
Well, do you want to fuck her, or date her?
Toby
Let's assume they're related.
Mel
Have you told her how you feel about her?
Toby
I’ve made it very obvious.
Mel
But have you told her? In English? English is a very good language. You should consider using it to communicate once in a while. You’re a writer.
Toby
I haven’t been a writer for some time.
Mel
Well, maybe you should write something. Can you be a screenwriter in Seattle?
Toby
You can be a screenwriter anywhere. Do you think I should be in Hollywood?
Mel
I don't know. You're the expert. Where did you live when you sold the script for that TV show?
Toby
Well, I was in Pelham, but I had a friend who worked for the production company in Los Angeles.
Mel
So where's your friend now?
Toby
Oh, she joined a cult. Last I heard she was living in a biosphere.
10. Int. Toby’s office — Day
We see Bryce seething in his office.
TOBY (V.O.)
Bryce is one of those people who breathe loudly. I could hear him down the hall through the closed door. On one hand, it was strangely comforting to be around someone who hated the place more than I did. On the other hand, for the last twelve months I've been dreaming about work. And now, work is....him.
Toby wakes up with a start. His phone is ringing. He picks it up.
Toby
This is Toby. Yeah.
(Checks watch.)
I'll be in in a minute.
Toby enters Bryce's office.
Toby
You want the door closed?
Bryce
Of course.
Toby
What's up?
Bryce
First of all, I understand you've never been fingerprinted by the security department. I've made an appointment with you for tomorrow. A drug test is part of that procedure. Just letting you know.
Toby
Okay.
Bryce
Second. You’ve been telling the employees that the checks were mailed out accidentally.
Toby
Yeah. They've been asking about the amounts.
Bryce
Well, stop doing that. It makes us look bad.
Toby
Sorry, but if we tell them the checks were sent out accidentally, that means one person thought it was a good idea to send them out that way. If we say the checks were sent out on purpose, that means everybody thought it was a good idea. And everybody knows it was not a good idea.
Bryce
If we second-guess our own actions, it makes us look indecisive.
Toby
With all due respect, we're not second-guessing anything. We're saying we made a mistake.
Bryce
But we'd be making another mistake to acknowledge the first mistake.
Toby
Are you sure we're not making another mistake to be denying the first mistake?
Bryce
Yes I'm sure. Next item: Susan told me you never closed the fiscal year in the database. Is this correct?
Toby
It's actually transferring as we speak. I started the process before our meeting.
Bryce
So it wasn't done until today?
Toby
No. It'll be done this morning.
Bryce
Christ. And then you're going to catch up with the first two months of this year?
Toby
Yeah, we'll have to do that.
Bryce
Well, keep me appraised. And get the backup of the database before the change to Randy, A-sap.
toby
Right away.
Bryce picks up the phone and dials.
Bryce
God, I miss drinking.
Toby is back at his desk.
Toby (V.O.)
I thought the nightmare began when Bryce became my boss and I started dreaming about him every night. I'd already started buying alcohol in anticipation of the habit this was going to give me. But I hadn't expected this.
Toby stares panicked at his computer, clicking through a spreadsheet.
Toby
Oh God.
Toby (V.O.)
Closing the fiscal year had erased all the data. It wasn't archived. I hadn't backed it up. I'd destroyed the database.
The outdoor air is tranquil and warm. Toby lies, apparently naked but for walkman headphones, beside a hot tub. Peaceful new age music plays.
A gasp cuts through the soothing music. Toby's eyes snap open. He's lying on the floor of the handicap bathroom, listening to his walkman. Clive rushes through the door to his aid.
Clive
Oh my God - Toby, are you okay? Speak to me! Are you breathing?!?
11. Int. Toby’s room - Night
Toby writes in his journal.
Toby (V.O.)
I'm leaving. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm leaving.
Toby visits ATM and takes out as much money as he can from every card in his wallet.
Toby (V.O.)
There is a world beyond this one. A world where things make sense. I used to think I'd find it through writing. Now I don't know where it is. And for better or worse, I'm running out of places to look.
12. Int. Peggy’s bedroom - Night
Peggy lies across her bed typing on a laptop computer. She looks back toward her door to see Toby, who stands in the doorway.
Peggy
Yeah?
Toby
I’m moving out and I’m leaving Washington and I want to make love to you before I do.
Peggy
You’re moving out?
Toby
Yeah.
Peggy
When?
Toby
I don’t know.
Peggy
Well, do I need to start looking for another housemate?
Toby
I just said I wanted to have sex with you! I’ve wanted to for a long time!
Peggy
Well, this is a lot to hit me with! What do you want me to say?
Toby
Well you could start by acting surprised.
Peggy
Maybe I'm not surprised.
Toby
You're not surprised.
Peggy
You've made it pretty obvious.
Toby crosses his arms, rubs his brow.
Peggy
So is this, what, thirty days' notice?
Toby
Yeah. It's thirty days' notice.
Peggy
Okay. Do you know anybody who needs a room?
13. int. Toby’s bathroom - Night
Toby (V.O.)
I've decided to die.
Toby throws back the shower curtain and tosses out several empty shampoo bottles. He runs around in background throwing out other things.
Toby (V.O.)
I've spent my whole life writing without having anything to write about. I'm tired of looking at beautiful women whom I can't have. I’m tired of spending all my working at jobs that take all my time and leave me with nothing. All I ever wanted to be was a screenwriter. And…a director and performer. And a comedian. and a musician. And a fetish photographer, but if I can't be that...God, this has got to end.
14. Int. Toby’s room - Day
Peggy knocks on Toby's door. She knocks again. She tries the door. It swings open. Her face assumes a look of shock and horror. Toby's room is completely empty, but for a pile of white cardboard boxes in the middle of the room.
15. Ext. Lonely mountain road - Day
It’s early morning. Toby wakes up with a start. He’s been sleeping in his car, parked on a mountain road. Toby opens the car door and climbs out from under the sleeping bag, onto the pavement. He is disheveled - just woke up. His shoes are untied and his wallet is sticking an inch out of his back pocket. He bites into a powerbar, takes the last drink from a carton of soy milk and throws the empty carton and the powerbar back into the car. He pushes the sleeping bag away from the driver's seat and starts pushing the car down the road.
Toby (v.o.)
Day one. I’m free. Drove three hours last night, then pulled over and slept like…I hadn’t slept in weeks.
The road stretches on for about fifty feet and then slopes downward, curving into a steep mountain road that dips back up again at the bottom of the small valley. As the car rolls toward the slope, Toby's wallet falls onto the pavement and is now ten feet behind him, twenty dollar bills fluttering away. Toby turns his head and jumps back to grab the wallet, but then turns back to the car that's rolling away from him. He stands exactly between the rolling car and the emptying wallet, his head whipping back and forth, dashing back one step toward the distant wallet and stopping to leap one more step back toward the car, then back again. Finally he dashes back toward the rolling car, now gathering speed down the hill fifty feet away. Toby leaps in and the engine pounds to life with a bang.
16. ext. washington roadways — day
The car grinds over Washington roadways as we hear Toby’s words.
Toby (v.o.)
Already there have been unforeseen budget complications and the car is having some kinda emphysema problem that keeps it from going over 55 so the current plan is to stick to scenic county roads and keep moving whenever possible. I’ll make it to Northern Oregon tonight - I’ve got a friend there I can stay with. Meals have been cold soup in the car. No radio, no tapes. I’m kept awake and driven forward by a holy vision of a future only three days distant. And a few friends I’ve got to see along the way.
17. Ext. — Geek House - Day
Tony knocks on the door of a large Frat-style geek house in the woods. A chubby, expressionless young man opens the door.
Toby
Hey - is Tony here?
Guy
Tony?
Toby
Yeah, tall guy, black guy? Glasses?
Guy backs away from door, mumbles out to people in back room.
Guy
No, he's in Europe.
Toby
Oh, wow...do you know how long he's gonna be there?
Guy backs away from door again, calls out, and finally returns to Toby.
Guy
Nobody knows.
Toby
Uh, thanks...Hey, I'm an old roommate of his from Seattle, and I always used to crash with him after I moved...any chance I could just find a couch and just pass out for a while?
(guy stares blankly, face immobile)
Guy
Sure.
Toby walks through the house. Beer cans and dirty dishes cover every available space.
Toby (V.O.)
Tony used to have this very fancy stereo in the room we shared and once he came back after being away for the weekend and the stereo wouldn't work anymore, and that's when he stopped speaking to me. And we actually never did start speaking again so it's probably a good thing that he's in Europe.
It looks a typical geek house, which is like a frat house except there's a Linux server in the basement and Japanese anime videos on the shelves and whatever sex happens there tends to be imaginative and sorta creepy.
We see a downstairs bedroom door decorated with a set of bull horns. Muffled yelps can be heard from behind the door - a female voice gasps "Yes, there! There!" A modest male voice grunts "You don't own me!" You don't own me!" The sounds of breaking furniture can be heard as something bangs against the bedroom door, knocking down the bull horns. The cries of "Oh God, yes!" continue.
Toby (V.O.)
Dirty dishes and beer bottles covering every flat surface. Really, nothing had changed since the last time I'd been here eight years before. It looks like they're always cleaning up after a party. Except there is no party. And they're not cleaning up.
Several guys sit around a table drinking beer and playing "Magic The Gathering".
Guy
(Drunk)
This guy kept saying he wanted to kiss me and I said I was straight and he kept saying "You’re so homophobic", and I had like four guinesses, so after an hour of this, I finally kissed him. And he wouldn’t stop! I figured he’d leave me alone after that. So that's when I knew I was cute.
18. Ext. Toby’s car — day
Toby is again driving his car through scenic Northwestern roads.
Toby (v.o.)
Lemme tell you about Eugene. Eugene clavicle is a genius artist living in a form-fitting sarcophagus of neurotic apathy.
19. Int. Eugene’s room - day
We see Eugene reading a magazine next to a pile of magazines. His room is a mess. He tears an article out of the magazine and places it on a large pile of articles to one side.
Toby (V.O.)
He was the smartest person I knew growing up - he drew really really well and he read constantly and he wrote essays - recreationally - and he was very funny. When he was twelve years old he'd meditate while walking around in circles, which doesn't make sense when you hear me describe it but he was a GENIUS. It was scary how smart he was. In college we sorta did comedy together. I rented a room from his grandmother after college and then he moved into the room when I moved out. I don't know. I called him five years ago and he said he was going to leave when he was 'ready'. But he's never going to be 'ready'. Eugene really, really needs somebody to burn his house down.
Now he's 29 and he never leaves his grandmother's house. And the best I can say about his grandmother is that...she isn't nearly as bad as his parents.
19A. Ext. Eugene’s doorway - day
Eugene answers the door wearing a bathrobe and a Rush T-shirt.
Eugene
Toby!
Toby
Eugene!
Eugene
What are you doing here?
Toby
It's a long story. Can I come in?
Eugene
Yeah, I'll clear some space.
19b. Int. Eugene’s Grandmother’s House - Day
Inside Grandmother’s house. Eugene is constantly adjusting the fit of his robe.
Toby
Where's your grandmother?
Eugene
She's not here. She's at a Mensa meeting.
Toby
Oh.
We look across the walls, where every shelf and every flat surface is covered with neatly bound stacks of garbage - plastic bags by the score, years' worth of bottles waiting to be recycled, stacks and stacks and stacks of newspapers, boxes of magazines. Clean, unused dishes are stacked on the counters in the kitchen, overflowing out of the cabinets. Grocery bags full of brand new packages of toilet paper line the hallways. Five broken VCRs are stacked in one corner. Energy to lift mountains was wrongly funneled into building this cavern of shit.
Toby
Does all this stuff belong to your Grandmother?
Eugene
Yeah, it's all been here for a while.
Toby
She fixes VCRs?
Eugene
No, she just keeps them.
Toby
Does she have any VCRs that work?
Eugene
Yeah, on her desk.
Toby
Huh. So, Hi! Good to see you.
Eugene
Yeah, hi. Thanks for coming by.
Toby
So how's life in Portland?
Eugene
I hear it's nice.
Toby notices Eugene's enormous stack of books, arranged against the wall without shelves.
Toby
You ever think about putting up shelves?
Eugene
I keep thinking about it, but...you know, that'd be like a commitment to stay here.
Toby
You're not going to?
Eugene
I dunno. I'm sick of it. I'm ready to leave.
Toby
You are?
Eugene
Yeah. I just need to get away.
Toby
You said that five years ago.
Eugene
Yeah. I needed to get away five years ago too.
Toby
(Looking around)
Your grandmother ever heard of storage lockers?
Eugene
She’s got three of them.
Toby
What’s in them?
Eugene
Lower-priority stuff.
Toby
Hmm. So, what are you doing nowadays?
Eugene
Ehh, Just...I've been sorting through some stuff. Trying to get organized. What are you doing here?
Toby
I'm driving down the coast. Sorry for just dropping by. I just figured I haven't seen you in forever.
Eugene
That's okay. Where are you going?
Toby
Down South. Southern California. You been doing any writing?
Eugene
No, I've been meaning to. It's hard to get started.
Toby
Been drawing or anything?
Eugene
No. That stuff's in a box somewhere.
Toby
Why haven't you been writing?
Eugene
Why are you asking me that?
Toby
Sorry. I remember liking your writing. I was hoping you were still doing it.
Eugene
Haven't had time. I'm trying to avoid stress.
Toby
How long have you been living with your grandmother?
Eugene
Oh, don't make me think about that.
Toby
Sorry.
Eugene
Like, six months after college. I was doing phone support for think link for a while.
Toby
And you quit that to move here?
Eugene
I got burned out on people feeling abused by technology and taking it out on tech support people. It's like providing customer service for the apocolypse. Anyway, there's space for me here.
Toby
So have you been working here?
Eugene
Helping my grandmother out with stuff. That's my rent.
Toby
Mmm hmm.
Toby looks around, stands up.
Eugene
So...you came by for a reason.
toby
Yeah. Eugene...grab five things. I’m taking you to Los Angeles.
Eugene
What am I grabbing five things for?
Toby
We're going to Hollywood. Just like the Muppet Movie. We always talked about making movies. If you want to do it before you die, you need to come with me.
Eugene nervously jerks his head to the side a few times.
Eugene
That's a stupid plan.
Toby
I know. Grab five things. I'm kidnapping you.
Eugene
Oh! You're not kidding.(laughs)
Toby
No. We're leaving now.
Eugene
Toby, it doesn't work that way. Come on. I'd love to live in my own place here, but I can't afford it. And the class of people who can't afford to live in California makes a lot more money than the class of people who can't afford to live in Oregon.
Toby
We'll have to get crappy jobs for a while. I've got my computer in the car. We'll write scripts together. You know we can do that. Our main goal at first has to be to get attention.
Eugene
Where are we going to live?
Toby
We'll get a place. I've got some money. Not as much as I started out with, but what's important is that we get there. Nothing will happen unless we get there.
Eugene
Toby...good luck.
Toby
Eugene, you're coming with me. Come on.
Eugene
Toby, how long is your money going to last? A month? A week?
Toby
Look, I don't know what we're gonna wind up doing. Worst case scenario, we'll run out of money. Worst case scenario, we...turn to prostitution to make ends meet. At least then we can meet people and start networking.
The door slams in the background.
Eugene
That's my grandmother.
Eugene's 80-year-old grandmother enters the kitchecn, carrying two grocery bags filled with toilet paper. Toby and Eugene have joined her there.
Grandma
Hi! So are you moving back to Portland? Do you need a place to stay?
Toby
No, actually, I'm just on my way to L.A.
Grandma
Oh. Well, it's good to see you, Toby. You know there'll always be room for you here -
She hands the grocery bag to Eugene.
Grandma
...oh, can you put this in the hallway? It was on sale, I couldn't resist - so, were you going to be staying here tonight?
Toby
No, actually, I was just hoping to come by and be taking off right away. I gotta be going.
Grandma
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Have you had any soup? You need some soup.
Toby
Oh, but I was just leaving.
Grandma
I'll give you a couple of cans of soup. Do you like cookies? Everybody likes cookies. Have you eaten lunch yet? I'll get you some groceries for your trip.
Toby
Oh, thank you very much, but you don't...Grace, are these VCRs working?
Grandma
You know, they're not. Some of them are kindof rusty. I just hate to throw them away, you know.
Toby
'Cause this is gonna sound strange, but when I get to Southern California, I'm actually going to be working with some friends on a video installation at a gallery, and I noticed you had all these VCRs that you didn't seem to be using.
Grandma
Uh-huh.
Toby
And they're on a very very low budget. And I was actually wondering if you weren't using these VCRs, if this group could possibly make use of them.
Grandma
Can your friends fix them?
Toby
They're very good with things like that.
Grandma
Well, I was hoping they'd go to a good home. Do you want to take one of them?
Toby
Well, if you weren't going to be using any of them, actually, I was hoping my friends could use all of them.
Toby and Eugene are carrying the stack of VCRs out of the house.
Eugene
Which way is your car?
Toby
This way.
Eugene
You didn't tell me about your friends in Southern California.
Toby
I don't have any friends in Southern California.
Eugene
Huh?
Toby
Your grandmother is very sweet, but she's a sick woman. And now, she's a sweet sick woman with a little more available floor space.
They step up to a trash dumpster. Toby lifts back the lid and dumps three VCRs inside.
Eugene
What are you doing?
Toby
What you should have done five years ago.
Toby wrestles the two remaining VCRs away from Eugene.
Eugene
Toby, you're not going to change anything. She's just gonna fill up the space with something else.
Toby
That's not my problem.
Eugene
So what are you going to do now?
Toby
Leave.
Eugene
Why'd you leave Seattle? What can you do down there that you can't do up here? Really?
Toby
It's gonna sound stupid.
Eugene
You already sound stupid.
Toby
The only things we talked about as kids were movies and girls. We didn't even really talk about girls. We just talked about movies. We knew that's what we were going to do. Not because it was practical. It wasn't practical. We just knew that's what we were supposed to be doing. Now I don't even know what that feels like. What am I supposed to be doing? I don't know. What do I want to be doing? I barely know that anymore. I haven't written anything because nothing is worth writing about. Nothing feels necessary to me, and that's a really scary feeling. So I'm not going there because it makes sense to go there. I'm going there because nothing makes sense.
Eugene
That's rational.
Toby
Eugene...what if we get there and we find a secret? Something we can bring back here? I don't know, I'm sounding like an idiot.
Eugene
Toby...Why don't you stay at my grandmother's house, and we'll -
Toby
I am not going to stay at your grandmother's house. I'm sick of talking to you about this.
Eugene
Toby, you're making a mistake.
Toby
I can't learn from my mistakes if I'm not willing to make them.
Eugene
Bye.
Eugene and Toby walk in opposite directions. Eugene walks back into his house and down the hall. He steps into his room and looks around. The stack of magazines, the pile of newspapers and articles torn out of them. The stack of brand-new containers of toilet paper.
Toby starts his car and drives down the block. As the house shrinks into the background, the front door opens. Eugene dashes out and chases Toby down the block.
20. Toby’s Car - Day
Toby and Eugene load Eugene’s belongings into Toby’s car.
EUGENE
So why did I only get to bring five things?
TOBY
Anything we need, we can get where we're going. Anyway, look at your Grandmother. What happened to her could happen to you.
EUGENE
Well, look at all the shit you brought.
TOBY
Since I packed the car I've had a lot of time to meditate on the value of possessions.
EUGENE
I wouldn't have to be so free of my possessions if you were a little more free of your possessions.
The car is now moving. Toby and Eugene discuss their plans as they begin their journey.
Toby
I've wanted to do this since I was eight years old. Just drive. Just...abandon all that weight that had been holding me back, all that crap.
Eugene
Hmm.
Toby
I mean, I don’t feel like a boy. I haven’t felt like a boy since I turned twenty-seven and started buying my own pornography. But…I haven’t felt like a man either, y’know?
(pause)
So what are you thinking about?
EUGENE
Have you ever used one of those car vacumns in here?
Toby
Is it below the standard to which you're accustomed?
EUGENE
I dunno. It’s not often I’m inspired to clean someone else’s car.
Toby
You live in your grandmother’s house and you’re complaining about my car?
EUGENE
My grandmother collects garbage. She doesn’t haul it around everywhere she goes.
Toby
Your grandmother never leaves the house.
EUGENE
Yeah she does.
So are we going right to Hollywood?.
Toby
Remember Zoe Levin?
EUGENE
Yeah.
Toby
She lives in Humboldt. I think we can stop by there.
EUGENE
You gonna kidnap her too?
Toby
She can come with us if she wants to.
EUGENE
How many things are you gonna let her bring?
Toby
I just think it'd be good to see her. You and I both needed to leave the places we were. I don't know what her life will be like.
EUGENE
Is she married?
Toby
I don't think so.
21. Int. Café - Day
Toby sits at a table in a hip cafe', reading maps and looking around. Eugene steps in with sandiches for both of them. Several maps and pieces of paper, as well as Toby's journal, are on the table between them.
Eugene
Could you maybe not check out the ass of every single woman who walks by?
Toby
Sorry. I thought I was being sly.
Eugene
You weren't being sly. It's easily noticed.
Toby
Well, if somebody is offended at what I do, they're offended at me, not you.
Eugene
No, they're offended at us. It's guilt by assholsiation. They'll think we're a couple of construction workers. You gonna start whistling and grabbing your crotch?
Toby
See, I would have agreed with you, like a week ago. The world looks different to me now. I'm noticing colors now. Look at the ceiling - I notice ceilings now. I never noticed them before. And women, I feel like, suddenly appeared on the Earth a week ago. It's...just a beautiful, beautiful planet.
Eugene
And your plan is to intimidate it into submission one woman at a time?
Toby
That's not my plan.
So, are you...(laughs) would you say you're a leg man, a breast man, an ass man, what?
Eugene
I've never given it much thought.
TOBY
See, I never really thought about it until recently either. And I've never understood the ass thing anyway. I mean, I love a beautiful rear end, but at the same time it doesn't make sense to me that I'd be attracted to someone's rear end. I mean, breasts, that makes a certain amount of sense - there's the whole maternal thing. But the butt's just kinda there.
Eugene
Why would your attraction need to make sense to you? Why can't you just like what you like?
Toby
Well, yeah.
Eugene
I like someone with a nice face. I'm a face guy.
Toby points out the attractive, hip young woman behind the counter. She has a shaved head and tattoos and wears a flattering dress.
Toby
Now, see, I love that look.
Eugene
The girl behind the counter?
Toby
Yeah. I think she’s beautiful.
Eugene
She’s twelve!
Toby
Is not. She’s…I dunno.
Eugene
She’s a kid.
Toby
I can still look. Now, see I look at someone like her and I think, where were all the beautiful women with shaved heads and renaissance dresses when I was in high school?
Eugene
They were in kindergarten.
Toby
Mm-hmm. So do you want to do some driving? You can drive a stick, right?
Eugene
I don't like to drive.
Toby
Well, does that mean you can't drive? Maybe we can find an open road that we can stay on for a while. I'm sorry, I just haven't really slept.
Eugene
We could just not go anywhere for a while.
Toby
Well, the longer we're on the road, the more money it's gonna cost us. Unless you know someone we can stay with. I figure we'll get to Zoe's place soon enough.
Eugene
Have you called her?
Toby
I know where she lives, but I can't find her number anywhere. It's unlisted.
Eugene
Well, maybe she wouldn't want us just dropping in like this.
Toby
I think we'll be okay. So, can you drive?
Eugene
I can try.
22. Ext. Toby’s Car - Day
Eugene sits behind the wheel of the car, clutching the steering wheel with both hands. He lets go with his right hand and touches the top of the steering wheel, then the bottom, then puts his hand back in place. He does it again. And again. He looks in the rear view mirror and checks the hand brake to make sure it's off. He jerks his head back to look in the rear view mirror again and checks the hand brake again. He jerks his head back and forth several more times.
toby
You okay?
Eugene
I just get kinda nervous when I drive.
Toby
Do you want to turn the engine on?
Eugene starts rocking back and forth in his seat as he reaches to turn the key. His head still jerks right and left toward the mirror. He touches the top and bottom of the steering wheel with his right hand, over and over and over.
They’re back on the road. Toby is driving. Eugene has an open map of California on his lap.
Eugene
Sorry about that.
Toby
Oh, that's okay. I didn't know it would give you so much anxiety. So is it when you get nervous that you do the, uh...tic thing? With your head?
Eugene
Eh. Sometimes. When I'm pressured. It bugs people when they keep thinking I'm turning to speak to them.
Toby
Yeah. I'm surprised I haven't seen you do that before.
Eugene
Well, you've never seen me drive before.
Toby
So you do have your license, right? I mean I shouldn't have assumed -
Eugene
I got it in high school.
Toby
Eugene - you had a girlfriend in high school, right?
Eugene
No.
Toby
I remember you telling me about your girlfriend, you met her on vacation?
Eugene
Oh. "Beth"?
Toby
Yeah, Beth.
Eugene
Well...I kinda made her up.
Toby
You did?
Eugene
Yeah. You know, in high school, you want your story to parallel everybody else's.
Toby
Yeah. So...have you ever had a girlfriend?
(silence)
Hey, Eugene, you know...it's okay. Thing is, I just figure we need to be honest with one another. You know, whatever we say is fine. I mean, if we're gonna be together, we'll have to...know we can trust one another.
Eugene
Yeah, that'd be cool.
Toby
You're straight, right? I mean, it's okay either way, but I don't want to alienate you.
Eugene
I like girls, if that's what you mean.
Toby
Okay, sorry. So, have you ever had a car?
Eugene
No.
Toby
You do have your license, right? I mean, you weren't lying when you said -
Eugene
Yes, I've got my license.
Toby
Oh, okay. 'Cause my theory is, sex won’t happen until you own a car.
Eugene
Why won't sex happen until I have a car?
Toby
It's a personal control thing. It’s like accupuncture… you don't have to understand how it works. It just works.
Eugene
You know, it's not your job to solve my problems.
Toby
Sorry.
They drive a few more miles. Things are getting tense.
Toby
I cannot believe we are having this conversation!
Eugene
What do you mean?
Toby
How can that be your favorite movie? What does it accomplish that makes you think it's good?
Eugene
It's a simple fable that everybody can relate to. Plus it's funny. It's sweet.
Toby
The characters are paper thin, and nothing they do makes any sense, except as manipulative plot strategies. Okay, first, The Lieutenant - what's the Lieutenant's name?
Eugene
Lieutenant Dan.
Toby
Lieutenant Dan gets his legs blown off and his life falls into a sewer of degradation, but instead of being lonely and miserable, he suddenly becomes surrounded by girls and money, like he's a rock star. Second, we're given no reason to sympathize with anyone who doesn't love the protagonist, and meanwhile his girlfriend is surrounded by all these evil people and yet when she leaves, we're supposed to feel sorry for him instead of thinking they're both idiots, like caring for people who make your life miserable is somehow a more pure and virtuous way to live your life.
Eugene
I identified with the loneliness of the characters, I liked the unpredictable story, I thought Tom Hanks was really good. Look, it's nothing to get upset about.
Toby
I'm sorry, but...you know, we're going to be writing together, and that's your favorite movie? I'm just -
Eugene
So what do you think is a good movie?
Toby
Wait. I'm listening to the engine.
Eugene
What do you hear?
Toby
I think it's okay.
Eugene
You sure?
toby
Yeah, it's fine.
(pause)
The Muppet Movie! Now there’s a movie!
23. Ext. Shauna’s House - Day
Toby and Eugene knock on the door of a small house in Humboldt. Toby calls through the door.
Toby
ZOE?
Eugene
I don't think she's here.
Toby
I dunno. That's her car.
Toby tries to look through the peep-hole. Through the door we hear Toby knocking and calling Zoe. The inside of the door is bolted with several deadbolt locks and chains. Shauna looks out at them through the peephole and they converse through the closed door.
Toby
Hi - Zoe?
Shauna
Zoe's not here.
Toby
Hi - we're old friends of Zoe's.
Shauna
She's not here.
Eugene
Do you know if she's gonna be back soon?
Shauna
She's in India.
Toby
India?
Shauna
She's in India.
Toby
Well, I'm her friend Toby, and her friend Eugene and I came from Seattle - well, Eugene came from Oregon - so, are you a housemate of hers?
We hear the sounds of deadbolts unlocking. The door opens.
Shauna
Eugene Clavicle?
Eugene
Yeah.
shauna
I'm Shauna - Zoe's sister, remember?
Eugene
Shauna! Wow! You're not, like, ten years old!
Shauna
Yeah. We’re both real people now.
Eugene
Wow.
Toby
Well, we were looking for Zoe, 'cause we're on our way to Los Angeles, and we were hoping to see Zoe and maybe...crash here, if that's cool.
Shauna
You can't stay here.
Toby
You don't want us to stay here?
Shauna
I'm sorry - I can't sleep if there's someone else in the house.
Toby
Oh. Well, can we...
Eugene
Do you want us to leave?
Shauna
Oh, well, hang on. Do you wanna...well, do you know where you're going to stay tonight?
Eugene looks at Toby.
Toby
Well, if we're not gonna stay here, we probably gotta keep moving for another few hours.
Shauna
Do you need to leave right away?
24. Int. Shauna’s House - Day
Eugene, Shauna and Toby sit around the living room, batting a balloon back and forth as they talk.
Shauna
I'm not working for a temp agency. I'm working at a temp agency.
Eugene
You mean, you're a permanent employee of a temporary employment agency?
Shauna
Yeah.
Toby
Sounds like me.
Eugene
How long have you been there?
Shauna
Four months. So, how long are you going to be in Los Angeles?
Toby
We're moving there.
Shauna
You're moving there?
Toby
We are going to Hollywood to become famous screenwriters.
Shauna
Can I ask a delicate question?
Toby
I don't know, can you?
Shauna
Don't take this the wrong way, but is there such a thing as a famous screenwriter?
Toby
We're prepared to be the first.
Shauna
Did you study screenwriting in college?
Toby
Mostly I've just read a lot of Joseph Campbell.
shauna
Uh huh.
toby
I sold a TV script once.
shauna
Oh,cool. So,you guys have a bunch of money saved up?
Eugene
We're not that organized.
Toby
We've gotta hit the pavement running when we get there.
shauna
So are you gonna stay with friends while you're down there?
toby
Don't know anybody.
Shauna
And you've been planning this trip for how long?
Toby
'Trip' is probably the wrong word.
Eugene
So is 'Planning'.
Toby
What we're doing is more like skydiving.
Eugene
Without the parachute.
Shauna
Mm hmm.
shauna
Well, you know, I can kinda respect your adventurousness. It just sounds kinda crazy.
Toby
Gotta be crazy once in a while.
Shauna
No, I don't mean ha-ha crazy. I mean like bad-idea crazy.
(pause)
Toby
So what's your sister doing in India?
Shauna
She sent me a postcard saying she was learning to cope with her feelings of resentment toward suburban sprawl.
Toby
I always liked her.
Shauna
She's just being a tourist. Eugene, did you ever do anything with that comic book thing you used to write?
Eugene
I stopped doing it.
Shauna
You won, like, a national award for one of those.
Eugene
Yeah. That's when I stopped doing it.
Shauna
So why'd you stop?
Eugene
I don't know.
Toby
Eugene - we should probably be working on the car if we're not gonna be staying here.
Shauna
What do you have to do?
Toby
Mostly just gotta replace the starter.
Shauna
Does it have to be done now?
Toby
Yeah it does. I couldn't find a hill to park on.
Shauna
Do you both need to work on that?
Toby
What do you mean?
Shauna
Well, I need to return some videos and I don't like to walk down there by myself.
25. Ext. Humboldt Street - Twilight
Shauna and Eugene walk down the street in Humboldt. Shauna carries two rented videotapes.
Eugene
Wait 'til you see Toby's car. You'll love it.
Shauna
Why will I love it?
Eugene
'Cause it's hilarious.
Shauna
How is it hilarious?
Eugene
It's like a...rolling...sinus infection. It smells like wet shoes. It's disgusting.
Shauna
How endearing.
Eugene
So did you come to Humboldt 'cause of your sister?
Shauna
I came here...'cause of my ex-boyfriend.
Eugene
Did he live here already, or -
Shauna
He's never been here.
Eugene
Oh.
They walk past a produce stand outside the store.